Janapurna
by Mistress Scribbles
Summary: From a Never Made plot premise. Oh dearie me, the little Barbarian's gone missing, but when the lovely Janapurna turns up and sets a certain three hearts a-pounding, it's up to the girls to save the day.
1. Feather Pie

All right, chaps. This is a bit of an odd one. It's based on the unmade story premise "Janapurna & the Stallions of Hokar" by Richard Merwin. I read it on the DVD and really liked the idea - thought it was a pity it didn't get made. I've changed a few things around - Kelek's not in it any more for example, since he's already been Disposed Of - and I've added a few bits purely because I thought they were funny! This is definately One For The Ladies, some of you boys migt find it a wee bit sexist. Ah well, gents, you can't win 'em all.

So then: This is an Old School episode, with nothing at all to do with "Epilogue/Prologue" or the adventures following "The Call Home". Set late on in the series (after "Winds of Darkness" at the very least.)

Watch out for quotes & cultural references! I'll point them all out in the end, but there'll be a lot of them. Oh, and Sealgirl - Right back atcha!

Have fun. Scribbles.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

JANAPURNA

Spitting Feathers

A hot day in the Realm, thought Presto, was like nothing he could have imagined on Earth. The heat of four suns shining together in a cloudless sky could be almost maddening. Still, they had nothing to do that day - DM still hadn't been in touch since their last adventure - so at least they were able to take a break from walking in the sweltering heat. He loosened his robes, fanning his neck and legs, and leaned back against the broad trunk of the tree. A slightly awkward silence fell between him and his two fellow shade seekers. He gave a cheery smile to the red haired girl to his left, and was troubled that it was met only half heartedly. He cleared his throat, anxiously, and turned to the youth on his right.

"Talk about sunny, huh?"

"Mmm - hmm," replied the blond boy, distracted.

Presto looked down, perturbed. He noticed that there was a wildflower in Sheila's hand. The realisation struck him - he had sat down between them. They had been sitting under the tree, together, just the two of them. The others had all given them their privacy - Heck, even Diana had gone off to sunbathe - what for, to work on her tan? No, of course, to give them some time alone - and he had just plonked himself down between them. Idiot! He cringed ever so slightly as he got to his feet, wracking his brains for a plausible excuse to leave. To join the sunbathers? Not if he wanted his face to turn into one giant freckle with spectacle lines. Besides, from the look of the youngsters stretched out on the hill, sitting with them would be just as gooseberryish as resting under the tree.

He stifled a sigh. He missed Varla. Of course he missed Varla. He always missed Varla.

"I'm hungry," he lied, stepping towards the valley between hill and tree where they had tossed their weapons and boots. "Gonna see if the hat can rustle up some eats."

He smiled again over his shoulder as he left the pair, and was gladdened to find himself met with two equally grateful expressions.

...

Sheila watched Presto walk away, and picked another flower absent-mindedly.

"Do you think," asked Hank, leaning into her, "that they think there's something going on?"

_Don't ... blush..._

"What?" she innocently addressed the flower, "Between us?"

"Yeah." Hank shifted into the dent in the grass that Presto had left behind. His thigh brushed against hers. "Between us."

_Don't blush! Look at the flower!_

"Don't be silly," she told the flower, "we both burn easy. That's all."

"So does Presto. And why is Diana sunbathing?"

Sheila looked up at the sun worshippers, still doing her best not to meet the sky blue eyes gazing intently at her.

"She likes being warm," she explained, watching her friend, "and in that outfit, she isn't warm all too often. And, um..."

She stalled and giggled slightly as she noticed the white flash of Diana's eyes blinking open yet again, and briefly giving the youth lounging beside her the once-over before quickly closing them once more. Intense sunshine and polished metal never made happy bedfellows, and Eric, all too aware of this, had stripped to the waist before settling down in the warm grass. It had taken Diana about a minute to decide to lie down next to him. It was the best fun to watch the pair, displaying themselves as nonchalantly as possible, but both occasionally sneaking those little glances at one another. They hadn't caught each other out yet, but it was only a matter of time...

"I just don't think that this is for our benefit."

Hank followed Sheila's gaze, and shook his head in disbelief.

"Say it ain't so."

"I don't know."

Hank picked a flower himself, and started playing with the stalk.

"But that's ridiculous."

Sheila laughed again. "Isn't it?"

They both watched the sunbathers, lying on the hill with their hands behind their heads. Diana's firm, shiny limbs and taut stomach were everyday - you just got used to walking with a Goddess. Eric was a different matter. It always threw Sheila off guard slightly to see him topless, particularly since coming into the Realm. The combination of strenuous exercise and heavy armour had caused slim muscles to pop up in his arms and chest, and over the past few months a thin line of black had begun to creep towards his navel from beneath his waistband. It stood out now - an ebony arrow in a field of white, pointing out his adult crotch about as discreetly as a big flashing neon sign with the word "Cock" written on it in ten inch high letters. And, Sheila knew, she wasn't the only one to have noticed the changes in the boy, inside and out. Diana had never been shy around Eric, whether fighting or flirting with him, but lately - since the Darkling in particular - she had been spending more and more of her time around the Cavalier, and less and less of it fruitlessly watching the stars.

Sheila thought about muscular torsos and naked male biceps.

She found her eyes running down the green clad arm beside her, and resting on the small flower that the Ranger was winding in and out of his fingers.

"May I?"

She pulled the flower from between his fingers, willing the blood not to pool in her cheeks as their hands touched briefly. She forced a small slit in its thick stem with her thumbnail, and pushed another flower's stalk through the hole, creating the start of a chain. She smiled briefly at Hank, meeting his eyes at last.

"You pick 'em," she grinned, playfully, "I'll split 'em."

...

Eric risked another quick look to his side. Yep. She was still there. She was still there sprawled out next to him, and he was comfortable and he was warm and he wasn't exhausted or aching or starving or in mortal danger. This was pretty much as close to perfection as life could get.

Jesus! A few months in this stupid world and your expectations _really_ started to slide!

Still... He honestly couldn't imagine when he'd have ever had the opportunity to lie, half naked and sun kissed with the walking wet dream that was Diana Jones back on Earth.

He looked again, his eyes darting over her sweat prickled, brown belly. He could feel the heat radiating off his own dark hair. Skin that colour had to be sizzling! He rolled his head back and closed his eyes, and concentrated on elderly nuns and dead dogs.

"Man..." murmured Diana, speaking for the first time since she'd joined him, "what I'd give for an ice-cream right now."

"Mmm," he purred in reply. She'd read his mind. Although his intention wouldn't be to _eat_ the ice-cream. Not immediately, anyway.

"Raspberry Ripple," she sighed, over-pronouncing each word.

"Mango Sorbet," he added, dreamily.

"Rocky Road," she smiled, getting into the game.

"Nah. The nuts would get everywhere."

He allowed her a second to think about he'd said, then, when he realised he wasn't going to be slapped, turned to look at her. She met his smirk impishly.

They smiled at each other, nose to nose, in silence for just a little too long.

"Aren't you hot," she teased eventually, "in those silly iron pants?"

He rolled himself onto his side, propping himself up on an elbow.

"Aren't _you_ hot in that silly furry bra?"

She raised an eyebrow. "My people are used to the heat."

She knew she was feeding him a punch line. She had to. He accepted it as he would a gift.

"Y'know, I _heard_ the East side of town could get quite sunny," he replied innocently.

She must have seen that corny line coming a mile off, but she laughed anyway. It delighted him. That couldn't have been any smoother. And since there was no way he could top it, he just bit his lip and winked at her and pushed himself up onto his feet. Without breaking eye contact with her he turned to walk away. She treated him to the most beautiful smile. He met it, rejoicing inside. And then tripped over Bobby, fell on his face and slid gracelessly down the hill. Diana's laughter rose up first, swiftly followed by a round of applause. So that was what she was smiling about, the rotten...

It was Bobby's grinning face that met him on pushing himself onto on fours.

"What the Hell were you doing there, Butt munch?" he fumed.

"Me and Uni have been here nearly half an hour," smiled the kid, "you just didn't notice."

Eric looked up at Diana, mortified as she nodded in confirmation.

The blond boy sighed mockingly and rolled to the grass next to his pet unicorn, stroking her mane lasciviously.

"Oh Uni... aren't you all hot in that silly horn?"

"Bleh!"

Eric rolled his eyes in irritation as Bobby and Uni both burst into hysterics.

There was a minor explosion behind him, and the sound of a teenage boy choking on noxious gasses. Eric didn't even have to look around any more.

"How's it going, Presto?"

"Almost got it," came the optimistic reply.

...

A lovely silence fell over Hank and Sheila after the fall and the explosion, as they sat in dark green shade of the tree, concentrating on their daisy chain production line. Hank was careful to pick flowers with good petals and thick stems, and never to hand the little redhead two flowers of the same colour in a row. He shot little glances at her as she split the stems expertly, squinting at her thumbnail, the tip of her tongue protruding from the corner of her mouth. He smiled to himself. They were both taking so seriously, anybody would think they were making some mighty weapon that would get rid of Venger and liberate the realm forever. He could just hear what Dungeon Master would say... _You must take the road of darkness to the City of Fear where you must place the Daisy chain of Zorak upon the altar of Mirr_...

"There."

He looked up at Sheila and his smile widened. They hadn't made the chain quite big enough to go over her head as a necklace, but she had rested it on top of her copper bob like a little wilting multicoloured tiara. She mimed preening, patting at her hair primly.

"How do I look?"

_Beautiful. Beautiful. You look beautiful. You always do._

"You look..." he attempted.

She just smiled at him. He took her hand, and she flushed, pressing her lips together.

"You look like..."

"Pie!"

Hank and Sheila stopped in their tracks, frowning, then did a synchronised double take.

"Wha..." began Hank.

"Pie!" cried Presto, flinging his hands up in triumph, "It made chicken pie!"

Hank raised his eyebrows at Sheila.

"OK. I guess we've got pie."

They stood up, brushing the grass from their backsides. The "P" word had already created extreme excitement in both Eric and Bobby, who fussed around the proud young wizard and the large, golden pie in his hands, and Diana and Uni weren't far behind.

"Hey! Good going Presto!"

Presto beamed up at the approaching Acrobat.

"Thanks. I just asked for chicken pie, and out it came. Not burned or raw or anything!"

"Guess tenth time's the charm," interjected Eric, not unkindly, since it had actually been the fifteenth attempt. Presto gave his friend a little laugh, and allowed him to muscle in on the meal, breaking off a huge hunk and cramming it hungrily into his mouth. He chewed once, then twice, then froze.

Bobby stopped still, a handful of pie halfway to his mouth, as he watched the Cavalier's expression twist to one of disgust.

Eric delicately deposited the contents of his mouth back into his hands.

"Yep, that's got feathers in it all right."

"Feathers?" Bobby looked down at his piece of pie. It was full of gravy and meat and, indeed, stubby feathers. He pulled a face and dropped it on the grass.

"Oh no..." Presto sagged.

"Presto," giggled Sheila, "when you asked the hat for chicken pie, did you specify what parts of the chicken we wanted?"

Uni sniffed at the dropped pie at Bobby's feet and wrinkled her nose. Backing away, she had to dart suddenly between the Ranger's legs to escape the remainder of the feather pie that Presto threw in frustration to the ground.

"I can't believe it!"

"_I _ can," growled Eric, throwing his piece down at Presto's feet, "Dork."

Presto just kicked the half chewed pie remains off his shoe, and looked miserable.

Hank opened his mouth to say something, but Diana got in first.

"Don't call him a Dork, Dork."

Hank sighed and turned away from the group. If pie was out, maybe they could find some fruit or berries nearby.

"Hey, he's my Dork and I'll call him a Dork if I want to." Eric slapped Presto on the back just a little too hard. "Right, Dork?"

Hank heard the wet sound of pie filling hitting naked skin, and turned his head just in time to see Eric furiously scraping feathery gravy off his shoulder. Sheila, Bobby and even Presto were all snickering, but the wicked glint in Diana's eye showed she had been the culprit. They all waited for the outraged rant to begin. But it didn't come. Instead Eric just stood silently, and looked from the food in his hand to the Acrobat. He arched an eyebrow at her, an evil smile forming.

"Go on," purred Diana, softly. "I dare you. I double dare y..."

The Cavalier was shockingly quick. Before Diana had time to finish her sentence he had made the three steps towards her and shoved the handful of food down the front of her top. Hank pinched the bridge of his nose as Diana screamed and Sheila screamed and the other boys fell about laughing. By time he opened his eyes again, Eric was sprinting away from the temporary camp with the others, pie laden, in hot pursuit. He looked down at the ground. There was still some of it left. It was so childish. So stupid. So tempting. He looked up at the others, who had pinned Eric down and were trying their best to get pie in his mouth, hair and pants at the same time.

"Apologise, Scumbag!"

"Never!" Eric was trying his best not to laugh. "It was worth it!"

Hank looked again from kids to food to kids, and grinned. Hell, a bit of Cavalier Abuse never hurt anybody...

That's when he saw it - the shadow passing swiftly across the ground.

_No... no... no..._

He snapped upright and lifted his eyes to the heavens, shielding his eyes from the glare of the suns. There it was. The black outline of a horse galloping through the sky, the massive wings flapping confidently against the air.

_No! We were having such a nice day! How _ dare_ he!_

Still facing skywards, he groped for his bow and boots.

"Incoming!"

The laughter stopped, suddenly. Then there was cursing, and feet running towards the pile of weapons and clothes. Hank looked down for a moment to pull his boots on and to try to help the panicking Cavalier with his breastplate, only to have his hand peevishly slapped away.

"Hank?" Sheila was watching the approaching shadow as she clasped her cloak to herself. Hank looked up as Diana and Bobby exchanged boots across him, following the Thief's eyeline. He bit his bottom lip, swallowing an obscenity.

"There's two of them."

...

Existence slowed to less than half speed.

_Fight or run? Fight or run?_

The decision he had to make every time, every damn time...

The others were spreading out, Diana and Bobby running towards the creatures, weapons raised, Sheila sprinting off right as she cloaked. He could feel his own feet taking him backwards as he raised his bow and took aim. He locked eyes briefly with Eric who, still central, shuffled nervously from one foot to the other as he shielded Presto and the unicorn, unsure what to next and desperately fighting off his natural flight instinct.

He fired one shot at the closest steed, and Eric began to run towards him, shield up and flinching in anticipation of the force of Venger's retaliation blast.

But nothing happened.

The two boys waited tensely for a moment for the bombardment to strike the shield in front of them, and exchanged curious glances when it didn't come.

"Where's the Kaboom?"

"Yeah," added Hank, pushing Eric's shield out of his eyeline, "this isn't Hornhead's style at all."

"It's not Venger."

The female voice was right behind them, out of nowhere. Despite the foreknowledge that Sheila was invisible, both boys jumped nervously at the sudden, disembodied sound.

"Sheila, what have I told you about doing that?"

The redhead uncloaked, giving Eric an unapologetic smirk.

"Sheila's right." Sheila smiled at Hank's statement, as though taking it as a great compliment.

Hank looked up at the riderless, winged black horses that had now begun circling above the group. The others were starting to jog back to Hank.

"Hey," cried Presto, still heroically wielding a magically produced bathroom plunger, "it's not Venger!"

"We gathered that, thanks." Eric reached over to the little wizard and picked a lump of pie out of his hair. "Dork."

"I don't know what they are, Hank," added Diana, watching the beasts, "but that bolt from your bow just passed straight through them, like they weren't really there."

They all watched the horses flying in rings around them. Uni growled slightly.

Bobby scratched his head. "D'you think they're friendly?"

The larger of the horses reared and let out a high pitched, deafening neigh. Black smoke billowed from its nose and mouth, hitting the top of the tree that Hank and Sheila had rested under earlier. The septet watched in growing horror as the tree curled into itself and rotted away to nothing where it stood.

They let Eric say it. They knew he wanted to.

"Nope."


	2. Malison

JANAPURNA

Malison

_Fight or run? Fight or run?_

It wasn't Venger, thought Hank. But those things were quick like Venger. But he couldn't hit them. They were spectres. Mean, bad assed spectres with the power to rot his living body on the spot. They wouldn't be bothered by Bobby's club, and if Diana were to launch herself at one of them, she'd end up falling straight through it. Or worse...

_Run._

He looked at them briefly. They were all still there, waiting for an answer. Even Eric, bless him.

"Run!"

The others didn't need to be told twice. Hank fired a bolt up into the eyes of one of the horses, startling it, and Presto hurled his plunger at the second creature. The bathroom implement passed straight through the winged beast, doing it absolutely no harm but at least distracting it enough for the group to get a good head start.

...

Isn't it funny how aware of your outfit you become when you're fleeing for your very life?

Presto cursed his billowing robes for the umpteenth time since being "blessed" with them, holding his skirts bunched up around his thighs to keep him from tripping.

Sheila tugged her cape to herself rather a lot, partially to keep it from snagging, but mostly to cover her modesty since her dress had an annoying tendency to ride up. She sometimes wondered who had chosen the pink mini dress and thigh high boots as her costume, and what their motives were. At least she'd been given flat heels.

Bobby worried about chafing, and wished his hat was lighter.

Diana had trouble keeping her headband in place, and had started to consider the merits of a ponytail.

Hank had taken surprisingly well to his tunic and leggings, but made a point of never wondering why too much. His hair annoyed him, though. It was getting way too long and he had to keep flicking and blowing his fringe out of his eyes as he ran.

Eric didn't think about his heavy, uncomfortable armour this time, not how conspicuous it always made him, or how the boots had no grip whatsoever and conducted heat and cold like crazy and gave him blisters. As he ran and puffed and panted and slipped and clattered, he was only aware of how much pie he still had down his pants.

...

Hank headed them towards the shelter of a nearby wood, hoping that the trees would slow the phantom horses down and perhaps give them somewhere to hide. All that the thick trees did, however, was shield the creatures from their view, and make running considerably more difficult. They could still hear the beasts tearing a rotten trail through the foliage towards them as they stumbled through the overgrown mud.

Diana, running ahead, heard a plaintive bleating behind her. She skidded, turning on her heel and sprinted back a way to where Bobby was trying to pick Uni up out of a muddy puddle. Unable to spare the breath to talk to the young boy, she scooped the stricken foal up out of Bobby's arms and slung her over her shoulder. Bobby tried to follow her, protesting, but found his own foot caught in the same mud patch. Diana was about to turn back yet again when she saw Hank swing the boy up into a fireman's lift and indicate to her to keep running on.

Bobby battled against the Ranger, twisting and flailing in his grasp.

"Put me down! I'm not a baby!"

"The undergrowth's real high here, Bobby," Sheila panted as she ran behind, "You and Uni are too short. You'll trip."

"So'll me and Presto," puffed Eric, trailing with the Magician, "any chance of a lift, Sheila?"

Sheila smiled briefly, behind her. It was only a short lapse of concentration, but it was enough. She stepped too hard on a slimy rock, and slipped to her knees. But before Hank could go to her, she was caught under her arms and lifted to her feet.

"Careful, Butterfeet."

"I know."

"Hurt?"

"No."

"Good."

The exchange took less than five seconds, and the Cavalier let go of Sheila's arm the moment she regained her balance, but still Hank found himself frowning as he pushed on through the forest. He wondered why he did...

"Hey!" The Acrobat stopped at the ridge of a hill and turned to the others again. "Hey, there's a house!"

Hank paused next to Diana and looked down at the building in the small clearing. It was ramshackle and sloping, far too tall to be adequately supported by its mouldy timber frame. Eric slid up beside him with the others and pulled a face.

"Ew. Looks a bit Texas Chainsaw Massacre, doesn't it?"

Hank chewed at his lip, unsure. "Won't Donner and Blitzen just rot it like they did the trees?"

Diana shifted the weight of the unicorn. "We've got a bit of headway. For now. If we get there before they see us, they might just pass us by."

Hank blinked slightly. _That sounds like Ranger Talk!_

Diana had already begun to scramble down the hill. Hank turned to the others.

"What do you guys think?"

"I think," came the seething voice from behind his shoulder, "you can put me down now."

"Oh." Hank remembered that he was still carrying the diminutive Barbarian, and released him. "Sorry."

The boy adjusted his helmet, scowling faintly and muttering to himself. Hank gave him an apologetic smile.

"Hey!" They both turned to see Sheila, half way down the hillside already, beckoning to them. The others were almost at the shack. "Come on!"

_When did we make _that_ decision?_

But Bobby had begun clambering down after his sister, and since Hank could hardly make them all run back up the hill towards the spectral stallions, he simply sighed and followed the group to the house.

...

By the time he got there, Eric was already pounding at the door. Sheila caught Hank's arm.

"Door's locked," she explained, "but we got our Stealth expert here to sneak us in."

"...Open this door! Let us in!.."

"He's like a ghost," added Diana with a smile, "comes and goes without a trace. The KGB call him The Black Cat..."

Eric stopped thumping the door and turned on the girls.

"Well I don't hear any other bright ideas!"

"Dat eez because you are drowink dem out, Comrade..."

"There's bound to be a loose slat or two," said Sheila over Diana's bad Russian accent, "I can slip in, cloaked, and open the door from insi..."

The door creaked open, and a gnarled, weatherbeaten old face peered through.

"What's all this racket, mm?"

"Oh... uh..." the kids stalled, a little taken aback at the old man's sudden appearance. Hank opened his mouth to explain when he was suddenly cut off by the horrible screeching of the phantom horses.

The old man tutted in irritation. "Oh dearie me, they're at it again are they, mm?"

"You..." Eric gesticulated wildly in the direction of the neigh, "...you _know_ those guys?"

"Beastly creatures." The old man smacked his toothless gums together. "Oh well, I suppose you'd better come in, mm?"

There was another neigh, closer this time. The old man opened the door fully and the youngsters piled in, desperately.

They didn't notice the click of the lock behind them as they waited, breathlessly in the darkened shack for the stallions to pass by.

Once the flapping and screeching had faded into the distance a small light popped up. The old man shuffled towards them with his newly lighted candle.

"Well, then. Let's take a look at you, mm?" He ran the candlelight over each of their faces. "Well well well! Three fine young men! And two pretty young ladies..."

Diana gave the old man a polite half-smile, but shot a glance at the others. They all looked as uncomfortable as she felt, as though they were being examined. Maybe he just wasn't used to other people, since he obviously lived alone. Still, Uni was growling again, and social awkwardness had never put her back up before...

"Oh!" The candle light fell, and rested on Bobby's upturned face. "And a little one! Aren't you sweet, mm?"

Diana couldn't help but smile slightly. If the old man was on a mission to make an enemy of the Barbarian, he was going the right way about it. By the look on Bobby's face the stranger only had pinch the boy's cheek or ruffle his hair to be knocked into next week.

The stranger pinched the boy's cheek. "Little rascal."

Bobby met eyes with his sister, and made himself swallow his growing rage.

The old man chuckled to himself. "Heh heh heh... Well then, let's see if we can't get you youngsters a nice cup of tea, mm?"

He passed the candle to Bobby. "Be a good lad and hold that, mm?" The old man shuffled off a little, then turned and added as an afterthought "but don't run with it."

Bobby rolled his eyes as the stranger went to his stove, aware that at least Eric was silently laughing in the gloom behind him.

The shack flickered into light as the hearth was lit. Now fully lit up, Hank had to bite down hard on the knuckle he already had stuffed in his mouth and try to contort his expression to one of thoughtful concern. He was so intent on trying not to laugh that he didn't notice the obvious discrepancy until Presto leaned into him and whispered:

"Where's he getting the fires from?"

Hank frowned. He didn't know! The chances of the old man having a firelighter up his sleeve were slim to none.

"Um," Hank attempted, "excuse me..."

"Here we are!" interrupted the old man, turning back to them suprisingly swiftly considering the large tray of steaming drinks that were suddenly in his hands, "a nice, hot, cup of tea. Good for what ails you, mm?"

Sheila looked down and caught the smile on her brother's face. The young boy may have been forced to live off scavenged roots and stagnant pond water for weeks on end, he may have, like the rest of them, eaten pretty much any foul concoction pushed in their direction by well wishers out of desperate starvation but he had at least developed a great taste for the Realm's tea. It was hot and syrupy and had a kick of spice and caffeine. It always gave Sheila a wonderful warm feeling inside as she drank it, but the stuff could keep Bobby bouncing off the walls for hours.

The elderly man held the tray up above Bobby's head as the older kids took their cups from it and began to drink. At last the old man met eyes with the Barbarian's eager grin.

"And for you, my Lad," beamed the stranger, "a very special treat..." he picked the last cup from the tray and handed it to the boy. "A nice cup of lemon drink!"

Lemon Drink. Bobby looked down at the cup, and the bits of lemon floating in the cloudy water within. _Why do old folks always think kids like Lemon Drink? He's gonna hand me a Mint Imperial next._ He looked up at the old man again, trying to hide his disappointment. But the stranger didn't seem to be paying any attention to him. He was watching the other kids drink, instead.

"Nice, mm?"

"Tasty!" Eric tipped his head back to drain the rest of his cupful, realising just too late that he was going to have difficulty stopping the backwards motion. He stumbled back slightly, his suddenly heavy head wanting to continue its arc to its natural conclusion on the ground, but was caught by Presto. He met his friend's concerned eyes and shook himself slightly. "Head rush."

"Here," whispered Sheila to her downcast brother, sneakily passing her half finished cup to him, "y'can have some of mi..."

"No!"

The old man reached a swift hand out and knocked the cup out of Bobby's grip. The force of it was enough to send the cup flying across the shack and smash it noisily against a wall.

"What the..."

The old man smiled at them wickedly, his eyes suddenly brighter, his back suddenly straighter. With another flash of his fast, strong hand he had Bobby held tightly by the wrist. The Barbarian dropped his club, too surprised to cry out, although his sister and pet unicorn were not.

But it was Hank who made the aggressive step towards the stranger.

"Hey! What's going on? Who are y... yurgh..."

Hank staggered sideways as the room decided to tilt several degrees to the left. He fell weakly into muscular female arms, but then felt Diana's strength implausibly give way under him. She screamed slightly, more out of shock than fear, as they both collapsed to the floor.

"You spiked our tea..." she mumbled thickly. The floor wasn't bringing much comfort. It didn't usually suck one to its surface so much, and it had definitely never swirled before.

"Got it in one," grinned the old man, standing much taller than he used to. "As for who I am, you may as well know. My name is Malison..."

"Alison...?" Eric was slowly sliding down a wall.

"_Malison_. With a Muh."

"You're a wizard!" Presto was making a remarkably good effort at staying upright, but was beginning to sway like a drunkard.

"Yes and no. Ex Wizard. There was a rather unfortunate... misunderstanding... involving a virgin and a badger, and, well, you know how fond bloodthirsty Warlords can be of their eldest daughters..." Presto, barely listening to the Ex Wizard any more, finally billowed to the floor. "It's all very depressing and I'd rather not go into the details," continued Malison to anyone still conscious enough to hear, "needless to say, cutting a long story short, I ended up alone and penniless in this shack. But now, it seems, my fortunes have taken a turn for the better."

"He's actually boring us to death."

Diana rolled her head helplessly to the source of the comment. The similarly incapacitated Cavalier smiled weakly at her.

"Think I preferred the old geezer," she whispered.

"Hey, Alison!" The light female voice came from above their heads, reminding them that somebody was still on two feet. Sheila put her hands on her hips and adopted what she believed to be a threatening pose. "You didn't count on me, huh? I didn't drink all the tea."

"You didn't need to," grinned Malison, "otherwise I wouldn't have smashed the cup."

Sheila flushed slightly with embarrassment and rage. "Yeah, well... well... Just let go of my brother, OK, or I'll... I'll..."

Malison merely raised his eyebrows at her and tightened his grip around Bobby's wrists. The boy winced slightly.

"I'll... by golly, I'll..." now shaking with rage, the Thief reached up to the hood of her cloak, threw it over her head, and disappeared.

The Ex Wizard looked in wonder at the space until recently occupied by a red haired teenage girl for a moment, and then burst into a fit of laughter.

"What will you do? Invisible me into submission? 'Where did she go?' 'I don't know! I give up!' I don't think so, Missy."

There was a clatter and a thud as Sheila, still cloaked, fell amongst her friends. Malison nodded, satisfied.

"Thank you."

Sheila lifted her cloak, still struggling to crawl towards her brother.

"Bobby..."

"No!" the boy lashed out with a foot, kicking the Ex Wizard in the shin, to no avail.

Malison just laughed. "Time for you to disappear again, I'm afraid. Time for all of you to disappear. Forever."

Sheila was forced to close her eyes briefly against the reeling dizziness. She was sure that walls weren't supposed to melt. She could still hear Bobby's voice, although it was beginning to sound muffled, as though heard through a thin wall.

"What's happening to them? What have you done...?"

What _had_ he done? The sick, dizzy feeling was passing. She opened her eyes and looked at her hands. They were still her hands - pale, slender and freckled, clawed up in... in the ash. The ground had stopped spinning but it was no longer wooden floorboards. It was deep, dark grey ash. She pushed herself up to her knees and surveyed the desolate ash desert surrounding her. She let out a small cry despite herself. The shack was gone. The woods were gone. Malison - gone. Bobby. Gone.

...

They were gone. They had just melted away into nothing.

"What have you done?" Bobby struggled and kicked against Malison, trying vainly to twist out of the Ex Wizard's steel grip. Uni stopped bleating angrily at Malison momentarily and dashed over to the place where the others had fallen. She nudged at the thin sprinkling of ash on the floor where they had been and muttered mournfully.

"Sheila? Hank?" Bobby continued to thrash furiously as Malison held him. "You guys! Where are you? Where..."

"They're gone, boy."

For the second time that day, Bobby found himself being hoisted into some bigger, stronger guy's arms against his will. "Augh! Put me down!"

"Whatever you say." The Ex Wizard swung him over a cage that had suddenly materialised in the shack, and dropped him inside, swiftly bolting the lid.

Flushed with humiliation, Bobby leapt to his feet, shaking the bars of his cage.

"You jerk! What have you done to them?"

"I've sent them away," smiled Malison, not noticing that the small unicorn had now grown silent.

Bobby tried not to look directly at his pet - he didn't want to draw any attention to the fact that she had picked his club up in her mouth and was slowly, gingerly picking her way around Malison. He watched her movements through the corner of his eye as he continued to rail at his captor.

"Where? Why?"

"Where is none of your business. As for why... well, you might as well know."

_Great. Another monologue. Old people - Geez. Still, if it gives Uni time..._

"Not far from here is an old Dwarf mine," explained Malison, "not really worked by Dwarves any more. The Orcs find that human children make much better slaves. Their bones heal quicker. There might be a recruitment party passing through as soon as tomorrow. Strong lad like you should pay handsomely. I may never go hungry again!"

_He doesn't know who we are! He doesn't know about the weapons!_

Bobby shot another quick look at the unicorn. This time, Malison caught his gaze and followed it. Uni froze in her tracks, club in mouth, looking desperately from Bobby to Malison.

"What's all this, then?" Malison's foot was as fast and strong as his hand, and hit Uni hard in the ribs.

Bobby screamed, wordless with rage, slapping the cage's bars as the unicorn fell, crying, to her side, dropping the club.

"No weapons where you're going," tutted Malison, picking up the club and wiping the unicorn spit from it. "And definitely no pets." He kicked Uni again.

"I am gonna kick your _ass_, Alison!" Bobby shook the bars again, furiously, not caring about the tears streaming down his cheeks.

"It's only a unicorn."

Uni was starting to, painfully, get to her feet. She was shaking, but started to bleat at the Ex Wizard again.

"Doesn't that thing ever shut up?" Malison gazed down at her in distaste, the club still in his hands.

Bobby knelt down to Uni's level and stretched a hand through the bars. He couldn't see her get hurt again. Not ever.

"Go, Uni."

The unicorn looked across to him, miserably.

"Run while you can. Don't worry about me. Go home."

Uni stalled. Bobby wiped the tears from his eyes. "I said, go home!"

Malison sighed. "It can't understand you, you know."

Bobby kept his eyes locked with Uni's as she backed away unhappily, then turned and fled, scrabbling under the door.

They both watched her go before Malison dumped the club in a far corner.

"Good riddance. Noisy little beast."

The Barbarian said nothing, but skulked to the back of his cage, meeting the Ex Wizard with an expression of dark and violent loathing.

"And unless you want similar treatment from me," added Malison, "you can keep nice and quiet for the rest of your stay here too."

"I got nothin' to say to you," whispered Bobby.

"Good." Malison settled down in an armchair, turned in on the cage, picked up a ball of wool, and began to knit.

_I have been successfully captured_, thought Bobby, _by somebody who knits_. Not only that, but he was now completely alone, with no hope of rescue, and about to be sold off to Orcs. To yet another child labour camp. _If I ever see him again_, seethed Bobby to himself, _that damn Cavalier's gonna have a field day with this_.

...

"That damn Barbarian's gonna have a field day with this, isn't he?"

"Eric..."

"Well, he is." Eric pushed himself up to his feet, attempting to wipe some of the ash off himself, but only succeeding in spreading it around a little more. "I mean, item one, don't pick the flowers, item two, don't say DM has it easy, item three, don't accept tea from strangers... how many more house rules am I gonna have to learn the hard way?"

"Hey. We're all in this together." Hank made a point of helping Sheila to her feet. Diana was already standing, and helping Presto up.

"Correction." Eric tried to brush some ash off Diana's shoulder, but she pushed him away. "Bobby's still OK, right?"

"If you think being stuck on your own in the grasp of a lunatic Exiled Wizard counts as 'OK'..." Presto trailed off as he caught Sheila's expression, and looked at his feet.

"...what have you done...?"

Hank felt Sheila's nails dig into his arm slightly at the sound of her brother's voice. He looked around himself. There was nothing for miles. Just flat, ash covered wasteland. No sign of Bobby, or the shack. The voice sounded strange. Muffled. As though the boy were the other side of a wall.

"Bobby?" he yelled, "Bobby, is that you?"

"...Sheila? Hank? You guys! Where are you?..."

"Now I..." Hank flailed around, as did the others, trying to find the source of the voice. It seemed to be coming from several different directions at once. "...I don't want you to panic. Try to follow my voice."

"...augh! Put me down..."

"What?"

Sheila let go of Hank's hand, and ran forward a little. "Bobby! Is that creep still with you?"

"...you Jerk! What have you done to them?..."

Diana took her friend's shoulder. "I know we can hear him, Sheila, but I don't think he can hear us."

Desperately, Sheila called out her brother's name again.

The reply came back like a distant, nonsensical echo. "...where? Why?..."

The girls sighed in unison.

Hank leaned on his bow and scoured the vast, grey horizon. Now it was plan time. The others would be wanting one soon, and, frankly, he didn't know where to start with this one.

"OK. So I think we all know what we need to do here."

Surprised, Hank turned to the Cavalier, still picking ash off his clothes. "Enlighten us, please."

Eric raised his eyebrow at Hank, a signal that the sarcastic tone of the Ranger's voice had been noticed, but would, for the time being, be ignored. "Get out of this place, storm the Little Shack of Horrors, rescue the pipsqueak. All we have to do now is work out how and God dammit, I've still got about a pound and a half of pie down here..." Eric trailed off, distracted, as he patted at his groin. "Excuse me..."

"Great." Diana folded her arms, smiling as she watched the Cavalier attempt to find a reasonably secluded spot in which he could unpick himself. "So we got half a brainless plan..."

She was cut off by Bobby's disembodied scream. The five teenagers gazed at each other in horror, Sheila's eyes quickly filling with hot tears.

"No!"

"Don't..." Hank felt pathetic. There was nothing he could do. "Don't listen to it..."

"_Bobby!_"

Sheila's scream filled the empty desert, and by the time it had faded, so had the sound of Bobby's voice.

"Where did he go?" Sheila was crying hard now. "Where did he go?"

"It is not a question of where the Barbarian has gone, but where _you_ have gone."

"DM?" Sheila looked up hopefully, wiping her eyes, but still saw nothing.

"Unfortunately I cannot be with you this time, Thief," said the kindly yet disembodied voice.

Eric fished the last of the pie out from a particularly uncomfortable spot. "So where are you, at a midget convention?"

"I am here!"

Eric squeezed his temples.

"But you," added the voice, "are not."

"Shoot me now." Eric had only whispered the last remark, but Diana still mimed holding a gun to the dark boy's head and firing.

Hank summoned up the patience to ask the Obvious Question. "So, where are _we_?"

"I am afraid that the tea given to you by Malison was cursed. It has taken you to the Plane of the Dead."

"The Plane of the Dead?"

"You see," said Eric under everybody else's amazed tones, "that pretty much sums up everything that's wrong about this stupid Realm. You can get cursed tea. What sort of place has cursed tea?" He pushed his hands through his hair in frustration, and then reiterated the phrase he had now been saying every day for over a year. "I Want. To Go. Home."

"You are no longer in the Realm, Cavalier."

"Surely that's a good thing."

"While you are in the Plane of the Dead, you are shifting spirits, no longer part of any real world. No longer under my protection." The voice of the Dungeon Master paused for a moment, almost expecting another comeback. But none came. Eric just bit down on a knuckle, thoughtfully. "The longer you spend there, the further you drift from me. Soon you will not be able to hear my voice. You at least still have the weapons I gave you. It appears that Malison has been on his own for too long and has not heard of their powers, or he would have taken them from you. You must find your own way back to the Realm and the Barbarian..."

Sheila raised her head at the mention of her brother, addressing the sky. "What about Bobby?"

"...There is another lost soul here..."

"I don't think he can hear us any more either," sighed Diana.

Indeed, the Dungeon Master's voice was beginning to fade. "You do not need to beware her but she will give you cause to beware one another. I hope you are still too young, my children... but I doubt that you are..."

"Too young for what, DM?"

"I said, he can't hear us, Hank."

Hank called up again to the grey sky anyway. "Too young for what?"

But the voice was gone. There was nothing except the sunless sky and the low wind and the mile upon mile upon mile of barren, empty ash.

--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

A Note From The Author:

No unicorns were harmed during the making of this chapter.


	3. There was a Princess long ago

JANAPURNA

There Was A Princess Long Ago...

They didn't know how long they walked, or how far. There was no change in the vast grey terrain - no hills, no valleys. No streams or plantlife either, although this didn't prove an immediate problem since they noticed they were growing neither hungry nor thirsty. They did eventually become tired, however, and as they did the cold grey light of the sky slowly darkened. It was Eric who stopped first.

"This is pointless."

The others ground to a halt and turned to him. He sat down in the ash, noting their faces. They were dirty, and tired. Not one of them looked particularly irritated at his outburst. Admittedly they had probably been waiting for him to give up for several hours. Presto and Sheila slumped down next to him, almost gratefully... almost as though they'd been thinking the same thing themselves, but hadn't wanted to say so... Eric continued to look up at Hank, who just opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again.

Diana sighed, rubbing her eyes wearily. "C'mon, guys..."

"We're going about this the wrong way, OK? We all know that." Eric switched his gaze from Hank to Diana, since the Ranger was refusing to meet his eyes.

"He's right." Hank looked at Sheila apologetically. "We could be going round in circles for all we know. This is just wasting time." Hank sighed and sat down, himself.

Diana, determined to stay upright, looked down at her friends.

"Well, what else can we do?"

She was met with four equally despondent expressions. She tried nudging Eric a little with her foot.

"We can't just give up!"

Eric caught her ankle with both hands, stopping it. "I didn't say we should give up. I was thinking."

"Can I have my foot back while you think?"

"Only if you sit down. You're making me nervous."

Diana duly lowered herself, one-legged, onto her bottom, and Eric crossed her captive leg over her free one before releasing it.

"DM said something about our weapons," he continued, "they all still work, right..?" He batted Diana's suddenly extended staff out of his face. "Thankyou, Diana... "

"So?" piped Sheila miserably for the first time in hours, "what am I gonna do, Invisible us outta here?"

Eric shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe Presto can do something with the hat."

Presto, who had been drooping gently, blinked awake at the sound of his name, and started slightly when he saw the others gazing expectantly at him.

"W... wait a minute," he protested, "haven't we forgotten about the pie incident?"

"At least try, Presto," sighed Sheila.

Presto looked down at the hat in his hands with trepidation. "I don't know... I think I'm too tired to work it properly."

"Ya can't work it properly when you're not tired, so what's the difference..."

Hank took his hands away from his hot, dry eyes and looked up. "Don't pressurise him, guys. We're all exhausted, our brains are all fritzed."

"It's getting dark, too," added Presto.

"We don't have time to rest..." muttered Sheila.

"We have to, Sheila!" Hank sighed and rubbed his eyes again, trying to compose himself. "We'll take a few hours' sleep, then we'll think about another way to get out of here."

Nobody argued with that, and, since they were neither hot nor cold, they simply lay down together in a protective bundle on the ash and began to drift into sleep.

Diana opened her eyes for a moment in the darkness. "What about this Other Lost Soul DM warned us about?"

"There's nothing here, Diana." The voice at her shoulder was comforting in its familiar sarcasm. "Where's it gonna spring from? Thin air?"

She turned her face from him, smiling, and listened to Presto snoring, and took Sheila's hand, and felt the weight of Hank's arm resting unconsciously against her calf, and fell asleep.

---

"...There was a princess long ago, long ago, long ago..."

Hank stirred from blissful dreams into wakefulness. It was still very dark, but he could feel Sheila's cloaked back curled foetally against him, and his fingers were full of the soft fur of Diana's boots. And there was that voice. He hadn't dreamt it.

"...There was a princess long ago, long, long ago..."

Like the Barbarian's voice before, it was close by, but muffled, and coming from a million different directions. But this was a girl's voice - a young woman's voice, singing. It was sweet and sad and seductive, yet innocent. And it was singing to him. It was singing to him alone. He sat up, looking around. Where was that voice coming from? Who was singing? He had to know!

"...She fell asleep for a hundred years, a hundred years, a hundred years..."

He could just about make out some shapes in the gloom. Some figures appeared to be walking, far away.

"Mmm."

He span around. The male voice had spoken softly, just behind him. Two people were standing still, their backs to the sleeping group, gazing out dreamily into the slowly lightening sky. Hank relaxed as he listened to them talking quietly to each other, and approached the other two boys.

"I tell you somethin', Presto," whispered the first voice, "if music be the food of love then that voice has gotta be a... a..."

"...a fresh strawberry sundae..." sighed the second voice.

"...with fudge sauce..." added the first.

"...and cream..." continued the second.

"...and a cherry on top." Hank stepped in between the two friends, finishing the sentence.

"Hey Hank," muttered Presto, without taking his eyes off the sky.

"So you guys hear it too."

"Nah, we snuck over here to make out." Eric grinned at his own joke. "Hear what?"

"Isn't it the most beautiful thing you ever heard?" whispered Presto, ignoring Eric.

"Mmm." Hank paused, listening. "Maybe this is that other person we were told about."

Eric nodded, although unseen by the others. "I have to find her."

"Maybe she needs help," added Presto, hopefully.

"We should go," said Hank, but didn't move from his spot. He knew that he should go. But he didn't want to do anything that might take his mind off that voice. "Once she stops singing," he added. "Then we'll all go. 'Til then..."

"...listen..." chorused the boys, together. They closed their eyes and listened to the voice, and didn't give a second thought to the shadowy figures approaching them.

"...Mmmm..."

---

"...mmmm..."

"mmph?"

"...mmmuhh..."

The noise definitely wasn't right. Diana opened her eyes to the dim grey light, then sat bolt upright and screamed. Sheila shot up at her side, disorientated.

"Wha..." was all the redhead managed to say before Diana leapt to her feet, extending her staff to swing under the legs of the approaching zombie. Sheila squeaked in shock and struggled to rise as the rotten corpse fell face first beside her and began to sink into the ash.

Diana stalled momentarily, trying to make some kind of sense of the scene in front of her. There were three more zombies. Two were clamouring about Eric and Presto. The third had taken Hank by the ankle and was beginning to drag him away. The boys didn't appear to be hurt, but not one of them seemed to be making any attempt to save themselves. Indeed, they looked almost comatose, their mouths half open, their eyes staring deadly into the middle distance.

_What to do... what to do... think fast, girl!_

There was only one of them with Hank - that would be easier for Sheila. But if had taken him single handed, it had to be very strong, and how was Sheila supposed to fight a zombie on her own..?

Diana had barely a second to think before the zombie closest to Presto lunged at him, teeth bared. Instinct took over rationality, and she sprinted, staff raised, at the two boys.

"Help Hank," she cried as she ran.

A little voice behind her mumbled "Um... OK...", and then her friend was gone.

The zombie attacking the little Wizard was easy enough to dispense with - one swift crack over the head with her staff and it fell cold, and began to be consumed by the ash. The other one, however, was strong and cunning, and either dodged or blocked her attempts to hit it. Still Eric and Presto remained motionless.

"Would one of you guys mind helping out?" panted Diana, exasperated.

There was no reply. They didn't even stir. Something was very, very wrong. Diana ducked under Eric's shield bearing arm, raising it against the zombie as she went. The zombie scrabbled against the protective field, furiously, as Diana searched the two boys' unseeing eyes.

"Guys? Guys?"

_Tell me they're not zombified..._

She caught Eric's chin and tried to catch his eye. The Cavalier just looked straight through her.

_Ooh, whaddaya know, he's started shaving! OK... maybe now's not the time..._

She attempted patting his cheek. There was no response. The zombie was getting angrier. She could feel the strength of its body against Eric's arm. She set her face and drew her free hand back, flattening her palm.

_This is for his own good..._

She slapped him, hard across the cheek. The force of it stung her hand and threw Eric's head over to one side. He blinked, and looked at her. She smiled, relieved, as his eyes focussed on hers.

"Diana..."

His voice was too calm. His smile was too tranquil. Like one of those weirdoes who gave out pamphlets on The End Of The World in airports. He gently reached out to her and put a finger on her lips.

"Ssshhh."

She batted the finger away. "What is wrong with you guys?" She looked from the Cavalier to the Magician. "Presto? Do something!"

Presto just gazed at her, serenely. Diana impatiently snatched the hat off his head and put it into his docile hands.

"Magic something up! Anything!"

Still nothing. With one arm still propping up Eric, she grabbed one of Presto's wrists and waved his lifeless hand over the hat's opening.

"Uh, magic hat," she attempted, "we're in trouble... help us out, or... or I'll hurt you."

She winced at her failure to make any kind of rhyme, but the hat glowed with magic anyway. Diana grinned and was about to guide the Magician's hand inside to grab whatever creation the petulant weapon had come up with, when she felt it begin to tremble. Presto began to sink under the sudden weight of it. Diana let go of both boys and grabbed the hat with both hands, pointing it at the zombie.

"I hope this works!"

She held her breath as the zombie pushed Eric to the ground and charged her. She continued to hold her breath as from the opened hat sprang the large, pink, toothsome face of a large, pink, man-eating worm. She only exhaled once the worm, a nanosecond later, recoiled back into the hat, allowing her to close it and watch the remains of the zombie fall, headless, to the ash. She turned to the boys. Eric was beginning to pick himself up. Presto was still just standing there.

"Guys? What's the matter with you?"

The only reply was a low moan from a way behind her. She span around.

"Hank! Sheila!"

The unprotesting Ranger was still being dragged away by the last remaining zombie. The Thief was nowhere to be seen. This was either a good thing or a very, very bad thing. Diana put her hands on the two boys' shoulders.

"Now you two, stay put."

She turned to run to Hank's aid, but before she could help him, saw the Ranger's bow rise, as if by magic, behind the zombie. Diana slowed to a walk, smiling faintly, as the invisible force lifted the bow over the monster's head, and swung it hard down on top of its skull. The zombie's horrible scream of agony was cut short by a second, sideways blow to the temple and it fell, sinking into the hungry ash.

"Nice work, Sheila!"

Sheila uncloaked, miserably, and carefully placed the bow back into Hank's limp hands.

"Is he OK?" she asked, bending over him, "He looks like he's been... zombified..."

Diana shook her head as she helped the young man to his feet. "Zombies are usually a little... well, deader, than the boys are. But there's definitely something wrong with them. I don't think it's gotten to us yet, but..." Diana tried clicking her fingers in Hank's face.

"DM said something before he went," added Sheila, thoughtfully. "That he hoped we were too young for... something."

The girls paused, looking at the oblivious Ranger as the other boys approached them slowly.

"Do you hear singing?" asked Diana eventually.

"I'm glad you asked that," replied Sheila.

"Why?"

"Because I thought I must be going mad."

"Isn't it incredible?" added Presto, dreamily.

"Not really," said Diana, "why? What d'you think's so wonderful about it?"

The boys didn't answer her. They just stood and listened. Suddenly Hank blinked, staring off to his right.

"It's coming from over there!"

The other two boys followed his gaze and chorused "...yes..."

"I have to go to her," said Hank, and set off suddenly, like a whippet.

"Hank?" called Sheila, confused.

"What is going on?" cried Diana, but the other boys were already off, running after Hank.

Diana sighed, and gave her friend a despairing Look.

Sheila's face was crumpled with worry. "What's the matter with them?"

"They're adolescent boys, Sheila. They're all nuts."

"I don't like this one bit," understated Sheila, chewing a nail. "Whoever's singing - I don't know what she wants, but..."

"...but it seems that she has Our Boys' attention." Diana finished off Sheila's train of thought as she broke into a jog after the others. Sheila was a little more hesitant. Diana turned to her briefly. "We have to follow them. They'll only get into a world of trouble without us."

---

"...a prince rode in and he woke her up, woke her up, woke her up..."

They had been running for over an hour. None of the boys seemed to be tiring, which surprised Diana. She was, however, getting very sick of the song. She and Sheila had caught up with Presto, the slowest of the boys.

"...that voice..." he whispered through his laboured breath, "...that song..."

"She might want to think about changing the record," panted Sheila.

Diana lifted her head and cried out to the Heavens. "Hey, Mystery Voice! Now sing 'Funky Town'!"

They all listened as they ran. The voice started up again.

"...there was a princess long ago, long ago, long ago..."

Diana tutted. "Nothin'."

They came to a rock. And then another rock, and then a whole lot of rocks, lining a small pathway. Somebody had created a little terrain all to themselves. The rocks began to separate, and create a large circle surrounding a mound. And the mound had a girl sitting on it, and the girl was singing.

"Hey!" shouted Diana.

The woman started, and looked up, and darted into a hole in the mound.

"Hey!" shouted Diana again, speeding up her pace. Hank and Eric were almost at the entrance to the hollowed out ash bunker, and Diana had no idea how dangerous the magnetic stranger was going to be.

She met the boys as they entered the small shelter. The girl was sitting hunched up against a wall, cowering.

"It's OK," breathed Diana as Presto and Sheila joined them all in the doorway. "It's OK. We're not gonna hurt you."

The girl stopped trembling, and uncovered her face, and looked up.

---

He fell in love. Just like that. Instantly and eternally. He had thought he knew what love was, but he realised at that moment that all his feelings before had just been silly, childish preoccupations. This was True Love. Yes. This beautiful stranger knew him. She understood him. And he was in love.

---

She began nervously to push herself to her feet against the shelter's wall. She was tall - taller even than Diana. And although she couldn't have been any older than 18, she had all the seductive curves of a woman. The long, grey robe she was dressed in must have been supposed to be frumpy, but her perfect body rebelled against it - the slender, smooth ankle jutting from the hemline, the full, pert breast pressing against the fabric... She was soft - all long, fluid, dark lines. Her hair was a thick, wavy chocolate, her lips like crushed cherries, her skin like honey. Her wide, hazel eyes shone with sadness.

Hank wanted to save her.

Presto wanted to hold her.

Eric wanted to strip her, and see where things went from there.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Sorry? For what?" Sheila stepped toward the girl a little. She looked so unhappy. How could she possibly be a threat? Sheila looked up at Hank, in the hope that he could think of something something comforting... something Hanklike... to say to the poor girl. Her chest tightened at the expression on his face. She'd never seen him look at another human being like that before. It was the look of utter longing that only ever crossed his face when they were within the sight and earshot of the funfair. She moved back into him, defensively.

"I didn't mean to draw you here," continued the girl. "It's been so long, so very long since another living soul's been near me. I had no idea you were trapped here too..."

"You're from the Realm?" asked Diana.

The girl nodded. "I can't help you, if that's what you're thinking," she added. "I'll only make things much worse. You should go. Now. I promise I shan't sing again."

"We're not leaving you." Hank's tones were supposed to be reassuring, but the girl flinched as though threatened.

"That's what I was worried about," she sighed.

Hank stepped toward the girl, gently pushing Sheila to one side.

"You're all alone here," he said, softly, "and lost, like us. We can help you."

He took her slim hand, dipped his head slightly, then flashed eyes and teeth at her simultaneously, flicking his fringe slightly. She met his smile politely.

"I'm Hank," he said, "I'm...

"...Eric," interrupted Eric, taking the girl's other hand. In one fluid movement he stroked along the hand to her fingertips, turning it palm upwards. He stooped and kissed the inside of her wrist, grinning up at her. "I'm a Knight."

Presto pushed Eric aside.

"Presto," he smiled, reaching into his hat. "Wizard." He presented her with a magically produced posy. With some difficulty, the girl retrieved her hands from the other boys' attentions and accepted the flowers. She looked across at Presto, confused.

"How unusual. I've never seen broccoli in a bouquet before."

"Uhh..." Presto blushed slightly, silently cursing the hat. "I'm just a quirky kind of guy. Never know what I'm gonna do next..."

The stranger looked up apologetically at the two distinctly unimpressed looking girls still in the doorway.

"Diana," said the Acrobat curtly, pointing at herself, before indicating the redhead, flushed and trembling slightly. "That's Sheila."

"My name's Janapurna," said the girl. She seemed as though she wanted to go towards the girls in the doorway, but the boys were still crowding her.

"...Janapurna..." breathed all three in unison.

Janapurna pressed herself against the wall miserably and sighed, eyes cast down at the floor. It was happening again.

"My name's Janapurna and I'm the worst thing that could have possibly happened to you."


	4. Mixed Blessings

JANAPURNA

Mixed Blessings

"Janapurna..."

"Janapurna..."

"Hey Janapurna!"

Janapurna shut her eyes miserably against the clamouring boys.

"Give her some air, guys," muttered Diana, without moving from her spot in the doorway.

Hank stepped back slightly, holding Eric and Presto by the shoulders. "Diana's right."

"Thank you!" cried Diana sarcastically. "Some sense out of one of you, at last!"

Hank ignored Diana, but continued to pull the other two boys back by the shoulders. "You guys leave her alone. Let me deal with this."

Hank put a protective arm around Janapurna and tried to lead her away. Nobody else, not even Janapurna herself, looked particularly happy about it.

"It's OK, Janapurna," he murmured to her, "see, we're a band of adventurers. Sorta like the heroes of the stories you'd have heard as a little girl. I'm their leader..."

"Janapurna?" Eric and Presto were already closing in on the pair.

"Yeah, I know what you're thinking," continued Hank unabashed, "sounds pretty cool. But in truth it's lonely. All the responsibility... having to be the adult all the time... real lonely."

Diana heard Sheila choke, and stroked her hair comfortingly as the Thief turned a whole new shade of red.

"Janapurna!" chorused the other two boys.

Hank took a strand of Janapurna's long, dark hair and wound it gently through his fingers. "You understand loneliness, don't you, Janapurna? We know how each other feels..."

Sheila stifled a cry and ran out of the shelter. Diana followed her, giving Janapurna a filthy look as she went.

"...come back..." squeaked Janapurna.

"Don't we, Janapurna?" Hank leaned in closer to her.

"JANAPURNA!"

"What?" asked Janapurna through gritted teeth.

"Look what I can do!" Presto had pulled a small ball of fire from his hat and was passing it from fingertip to fingertip. She barely had time to note this, though, before the Cavalier was at her ear.

"Did it hurt?" he asked, innocently.

Janapurna frowned. "Did what hurt?"

"When you fell out of Heaven," grinned the dark haired boy.

Hank rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Eric, that didn't work on Julie Klien in Eighth Grade, and it's not gonna work now." He shook his head at Janapurna. "It's always a Line with this guy. You'll learn to tune it out."

"You're not looking..." Presto doubled the speed of his trick, before noticing that his sleeve was on fire.

"Drop and roll, Presto," said Eric calmly over his friend's scream, before tutting world-wearily at the girl. "Kids today... Now, where was I..? Oh, yes. Tell me, have you ever tried the lobster in Venice? Because there's this little place I know just off the Grand Canal..."

Hank removed Eric's hand from Janapurna's shoulder. "Aren't you gonna help your little friend, Eric?"

Eric shot a quick glance in Presto's direction. He had followed his advice and was rolling over his flaming arm in the ash.

"He'll be fine. And the coffee in Venice is to die for."

"Are you sure, Eric? You're not worried about him?" Hank fixed Eric with an evil gaze. "I mean, you guys are special, _special_ friends..."

Eric folded his arms, raising an eyebrow at Hank. "What, exactly, are you intimating?"

Hank shrugged innocently. "Nothing. I think it's lovely to see you two so happy in each others' company."

Eric narrowed his eyes.

"Happy, happy happy," continued Hank. "What's... what's another word for 'happy'?"

"He likes wearing tights, you know, Janapurna," snapped Eric spitefully, "he's got a thong on under all that..."

"Pay no attention to him, Janapurna. He's having another of his Turns. He often comes over a little queer..."

"_And_ he's not a natural blond. Trust me. I've seen him naked."

"So you _do_ look after all." Hank grinned, triumphantly. "And I thought you only had eyes for..."

He trailed off, amused, as Eric suddenly pretended to answer an invisible phone.

"Uh-huh," the Cavalier told the imaginary caller, "mm-hm. You don't say. OK. I'll tell him." He held the invisible handset over to Hank. "It's Flash Gordon," he explained. "Says he wants his haircut back."

Hank took the imaginary receiver off Eric and pretended to listen, then looked up at the Cavalier. "Flash wants to know what you and Presto want as a wedding present."

Eric's fists bunched.

"Say that again," he growled.

"I said..." began Hank in a loud, clear voice.

"Fire's out!" Presto lifted his singed arm up in triumph. He was ignored by the other two boys, who scowled at each other across Janapurna.

"Janapurna?" The girl turned desperately in the direction of the female voice. Diana was standing in the doorway, pursing her lips in anger. "I think you might have some explaining to do."

"Is... is Sheila OK?" Janapurna used the stand-off between Hank and Eric to dart to the doorway. "She looked upset."

"Oh, you noticed, huh?" Diana took Janapurna's hand and began to lead her out of the shelter. "I think we could do with a little girl-to-girl chat. Don't you?"

Janapurna nodded gratefully, turning briefly to the boys as she left.

"I won't be long."

"Janapurna?" they chorused, softly, "Janapurna..."

---

Sheila was sitting on one of the stones circling the shelter, her head resting on her folded arms. She ignored Janapurna as she climbed to the top of the mound with Diana.

"I take it they're not usually like that," said Janapurna as she sat down.

"It all started when they heard your singing," replied the Acrobat, sitting with her. "They were nearly killed. Now if you'd care to explain why..."

Janapurna paused, trying not to cry.

"It was supposed to be a Gift." The tears began to flow. "That every man I met would fall hopelessly in love with me. My grandmother was a Sorceress, she thought she was giving me a blessing!"

"But it turned into a curse," added Diana, softly.

"Jealousy follows me everywhere I go!" Janapurna sobbed, wringing her perfect hands. "Men fight each other, they all want me to themselves alone, women hate me..."

She looked up at Diana, mournfully. The dark young woman sighed grudgingly and took her hand.

"We don't hate you, Janapurna. We just hate what you've done to our friends."

"I don't mean to." Janapurna sandwiched Diana's hand between hers. "Believe me. I thought when I was imprisoned here, at least the hatred would stop..."

"So who put you here?" asked Diana.

"Hokar," answered Janapurna, "a powerful Wizard. He said he'd keep me here until I promised to marry him."

"Wow. How long have you been holding out for?"

Janapurna shrugged miserably. "I didn't really get the chance to 'hold out'. He died the next day..." she sniffed, watching the vast grey horizon. "At least I think he did. He said something about an uprising against some Dark Overlord and I never saw him again"

"Who was he rebelling against?"

Janapurna snuffled, searching her memory. "Vengeance or Revenger, or something like that..."

"Oh. Yeah, he'll be Dogmeat by now."

Janapurna nodded, stoically.

An idea struck Diana. "Did you ever think of getting the Dungeon Master to help? He might be able to find somebody who can break the spell on you."

"I never met him," replied Janapurna, "besides, I wouldn't want anything to happen to him..."

Diana couldn't help but smile at the mental image of the wizened old Dungeon Master fawning over the melancholy girl.

"Well, we can't leave you stuck here. We need to get back in a hurry - there were two of us left behind. And when we do, you're coming with us, OK?"

Janapurna squeezed Diana's hand a little tighter. "Thank you."

There was a long silence between the two girls as they both looked out at the empty sky.

Eventually, Janapurna spoke. "Which of them are you in love with?"

Diana blinked, pulling her hand free. "I beg your pardon?"

Janapurna regarded Diana. "I think the Wizard's too young for you. And there's already something between Sheila and your leader..."

"Well he's not that much of a leader right now, thanks to you," interrupted Diana.

"You're avoiding my question."

"It's a pointless question." Diana frowned, watching Sheila mope. "I'm not in love with any of them. I fell in love once, and it just hurt too much."

"I think you are," replied Janapurna. "I think you've got too much passion to close your heart."

"I love them all," snapped Diana. "They're my best friends. I'd die for any one of them. But I'm not falling for... it's ridiculous! I don't feel _romantically_ about him..."

Janapurna smiled, softly. "About who?"

Diana opened and closed her mouth silently a couple of times. The little sneak! What business was it of hers, anyway?

Before she had the chance to come back with any comments, she was startled by a familiar screeching neigh. She leaped to her feet, as did Sheila beneath the mound.

"Those horses are back!" cried Sheila up to her.

"I know!" Diana turned full circle, searching the empty horizon. "But how? And where?"

Sheila stepped out of the stone circle, gazing up at the sky. "Maybe we can only hear them, like we could Bobby and..."

Janapurna was already sprinting down the mound towards the Thief when the two great black horses suddenly materialised in front of the stones.

"Sheila! No!"

Sheila screamed helplessly as the stallions reared and screeched at her. Janapurna grabbed the girl and pulled her back into the circle too hard. They both lost their balance and fell.

"Stay within the stones," explained Janapurna as Diana helped Sheila up, "they'll protect us from those things."

"You've seen them before?" asked Sheila.

Janapurna got to her feet by herself. "They belonged to Hokar. They've been coming back to me regularly since he died. Making sure I'm still here."

The horses reared and screamed again, but their evil breath was repelled away from the stone circle. Diana moved next to Sheila defensively anyway, but the horses snorted, turned and disappeared.

"So they can travel between planes."

Janapurna nodded. "That's how Hokar sent me here. He tied me to one of them."

"Really?"

"Yes. He tried to give me a cup of cursed tea first, but I don't believe anyone's stupid enough to fall for that one..."

Sheila and Diana exchanged embarrassed glances.

"So..." reasoned Diana, "if they can bring you here, they can bring you, and the rest of us back to the Realm!"

Sheila turned to Janapurna, grabbing her shoulders desperately. "When will they be back again? We have to catch them somehow - my brother's in terrible trouble!"

"They'll probably be back before nightfall," answered Janapurna, worried. "You... you have a brother?"

"Don't worry, Janapurna," smiled Diana, "he's only nine."

They turned back towards the shelter.

"I guess the two of us will have to come up with a plan to capture them," sighed Sheila, "what with the boys' brains going all mushy."

"Goodness alone knows what they'll have got up to by now," added Diana as they reached the doorway, and then stopped, dumbfounded.

Presto was hopping impatiently from one foot to the other as he watched the other two boys. They were lying face down in the ash, propped up on their elbows, clasping one another's' right hands, their faces twisted with strain. Diana pinched the bridge of her nose.

"What are they doing?" asked Janapurna.

"You've never seen arm wrestling before?" sighed Diana.

Eric screamed in frustration, battling to the end, as Hank forced his hand down into the dust.

"I win, Eric."

"I wasn't ready!"

"Admit it, I win!"

Presto tried to pull Eric up off the ground, but the Cavalier scowled, readying his right hand again.

"All right, then," he said, "best out of eleven."

---

Bobby lay back in his cage, kicking his bars rhythmically. Malison looked up at him, frowned, and then looked back down at his darning. A whole night and day had passed by, and nobody had come. No rescue. No Orcs, either. Malison's excitement that morning had swiftly turned into irritation, then grudging acceptance that there would be no Recruitment Party that day. In the meantime, Bobby had tired of giving the Wizard the Silent Treatment and was now trying everything within his power to put Malison off his guard, maybe even to annoy him so much that he'd throw him out. He'd tried screaming, he'd tried knocking the bars, spitting, burping and insulting. And now, he felt, he had only one option left. He cleared his throat and began to sing:

"I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves..."

---

The sky was beginning to darken slightly. Sheila looked over at her friend nervously.

"That's your plan, Diana? Just hide, and then jump them?"

Diana bit her thumbnail nervously. "I've never really made a plan before. I just... do stuff. And I don't have the time to come up with anything more sophisticated."

The two girls continued to gaze out at the flat, grey wasteland.

"How are we going to hide?" asked Sheila, eventually.

Diana didn't answer, but looked pointedly at the Thief's cloak.

"Oh no..." Sheila shook her head furiously. "No no no. You're the one who's good with the big, mean creatures. I can't do it without your help."

Diana thought for a second, then pressed herself into Sheila.

"...Diana...?"

"See if that cloak of yours can cover us both," said Diana, tucking her head down against her friend's chest.

"Uh..." Sheila raised the hood over her head, and stretched the body of the cloak around Diana's back. "Even if it does, will it make the two of us invisible?"

"Only one way to find out," came the muffled reply from beneath her. "Hey, Janapurna!"

The accidental enchantress' head appeared at the doorway of the shelter, gladly.

"Have you thought of an idea...?" Janapurna's voice trailed off and her face fell. She stepped outside and looked about her, franticly. "Girls? Girls..? Where are you?"

"You can't see either of us?" asked Sheila.

"No! You haven't left me, have you?"

Sheila uncloaked herself and Diana, and Janapurna sighed in relief.

"Oh, thank goodness. It's mayhem in there." Janapurna moved a little further away from the door of the shelter.

Diana grinned to herself. "Don't tell me they're still arm wrestling."

"No." Janapurna's face was a picture of worried confusion. "Now they're attacking each other with imaginary Broadswords and making 'Fwing Fwing' noises."

"Oh." Sheila exchanged a world weary smile with Diana. "Just a Lightsabre fight. It's only to be expected, I suppose."

Janapurna nodded in pretend understanding. Diana's expression became serious.

"They're a liability around you, you know."

This was something Janapurna _did_ understand. "I know."

"If we try to catch those creatures while the boys are around, they might... I don't know... do somethin' stupid." Diana sighed, looking at the shelter. "I don't want them to wind up getting hurt."

"So..." Janapurna steeled herself. "What can I do to help?"

Diana chewed a nail again. "We'll have to draw the horses away from the shelter before we try to capture them."

"We'll be away from the protective circle..."

"...But the guys will be safe here." Diana lay a gentle hand on Janapurna's shoulder. "It's you those horses are checking up on, Janapurna. If you can lead them away from here, lead them to where we're hiding, we might be in with a half decent chance."

Janapurna cast her eyes down to her feet, unsure. "You want me to make them chase me? You want me to be... bait?"

"Not 'bait', exactly..." stammered Sheila.

"We'll take care of you, Janapurna," said Diana, not moving the hand on the other girl's shoulder, "just as well as we can."

"You don't have to do it if you're too scared," began Sheila, earnestly, breaking off when she realised it sounded like a taunt.

Janapurna looked up at Diana, then at Sheila, then at the shelter. Male voices issued faintly from beyond the door.

"Fwing! Fwing! Fzzzt!"

"This is stupid. Why would Obi Wan and Luke be fighting?"

"You can shut up, Eric. Han Solo doesn't even _have_ a Lightsabre."

"He does now. He stole it."

Janapurna folded her arms and looked back at the girls, her face set.

"When do we leave?"


	5. Hold Your Horses

JANAPURNA

Hold Your Horses

"_Tall, Blond, Dark & Lean - Rough and Tough and Strong and Mean... It's Raining Men, Hallelulia! "- _The Weathergirls

--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

The sky had become a dark, slate grey. It melded in with the flat, empty land. There was no wind. No movement. There was absolutely nothing but a still, dead grey for as far as the eye could see. But there was a voice. A light, female whisper was all that disturbed the eternal, silent calm.

"He doesn't like me, does he?"

A second voice joined it - still female, but louder and more confident.

"Of course he does, Sheila. He's under a spell, same as the rest of them. He's only human."

"You sure about that? You're certain it isn't just that he really likes her, and not me?"

"Sure I'm sure. I've seen the way he looks at you."

"Well it's not the same way that he looks at her." There was a brief pause, then the first voice continued again, tearfully. "I mean, I don't know what else I can do... I'm always there for him... following him around in this stupid place..."

"...Saving his worthless hide every other day..." added the second voice, reflectively.

"...dressed in this ridiculous porn star get-up," continued the first voice, "and there's nothing. But some girl he's never met turns up in some shapeless smock and sings him a song, and he goes crazy!"

"Don't blame her, Sheila. She doesn't enjoy it."

"And that makes it even worse! I'd give anything to have him look at me like that. Anything."

The second voice sighed. "Yeah..."

The voices fell quiet as a shape became visible in the gloom. It was moving, fast, towards them, its long, dark hair and grey skirt whipping behind it.

"Here we go..." breathed the first voice as a screeching whinny sounded out from behind the running figure.

The the girl was running slightly off course.

"Here, Janapurna!" shouted the second voice, invisibly. Janapurna careered to the left, and began to sprint directly towards the cloaked girls. As she did, the sky formed two black shadows, which solidified into winged horses, chasing her furiously. They neighed again, rearing up, but blew their rotting breath into the air above Janapurna.

"You see that?" whispered the first voice.

Janapurna passed them both, missing them by inches.

"Yeah," replied the second.

The horses flew over the girls' heads. Diana freed herself from the cloak and extended her staff. She turned briefly to Sheila as the redhead recloaked.

"They can't hurt her. This could prove useful."

She found herself nodding meaningfully at nothing.

---

She was sure she could feel time slowing down. She only had one chance. If she missed, or fell, those things would be on top of her before she'd have chance to get to her feet. She ran at the nearest horse, raising her staff. A few feet from the creature, she slammed the end of the weapon into the ash, leaping up and pushing her body weight down onto the staff as she did. She felt herself soar momentarily, leaving her stomach on the ground behind her, and she pushed out her arms, her hands clawed. As she landed on the beast's back, she bunched her fingers tightly around its mane and squeezed her legs against its giant ribcage. It bucked and reared furiously, but she held tight.

"What have we here?" she muttered to it, "petulant, uncooperative, charmless and proud..."

The horse bucked again. Diana held fast, grinning.

"I think I'm in love..."

She tugged at its mane, forcing the creature to turn. Janapurna ran past again, gazing up at her expectantly, but still pursued by the second horse.

"Listen," yelled Diana to the other girls, "I got one of them under control, but it's not big enough to carry all six of us. You two are gonna have to get the other one." She could feel the Thief's invisible eyes gazing up at her in horror. "It's easy once you're on board," she added, cheerfully, holding on for dear life.

Janapurna stopped running. The unbroken stallion turned, and began closing in on her.

"Sheila?" she called.

Unseen hands caught her arms from behind, and a voice whispered in her ear. "Those things can't hurt you, Janapurna. No matter what you do."

The enchantress nodded. "Fine. I'll keep it occupied, you get saddled up."

She stepped back a little, then began to wave her arms at the beast. "Hey! Hey, horsie!"

The horse came to a stop, right in front of her. It really was as horrible as she remembered. She had had no idea, before seeing those foul creatures the first time, that horses could possibly look angry or malicious. But these things could, and did, permanently. It huffed, but directed its breath at the ground. Janapurna still shuffled back, nervously.

"Re... remember me?" she stammered, watching an invisible person creep invisibly up to a spectral stallion and wondering if her day could possibly get any weirder, "it's your old master's bride... and I've been a... a naughty girl, and I'm out of my pen, and I..."

The horse bucked suddenly, screeching. There was a yelp, and the small shape of the fallen Thief dented the ash. The creature turned to see what it had thrown from its back, but Janapurna screamed sharply, distracting it.

"Come back here!" Her eyes widened in disbelief as the horse, implausibly, obeyed her. It pawed the ground, snorting. "Stay..." she warned, "...stay..."

The horse whinnied and shook itself yet again, but this time there was no cry. The invisible Thief uncloaked, revealing a petite, pale redhead clutching the beasts' mane tightly in terror. Janapurna edged towards the creature gingerly, and although it stamped its feet dangerously, it stayed put.

"It's staying," gasped Sheila. "It's doing what it tells you."

"Maybe your ex-fiance left them to you," added Diana.

"That would make sense." Janapurna put a hand to stroke the horse's side, then thought better of it. "He did love me. They all do."

She smiled sadly up at Sheila. Her face fell at the cold look with which the redhead regarded her. A brief glance in the Acrobat's direction yielded a precise reflection of Sheila's disdain. She looked back up at the Thief, apologetically. Without softening her expression, Sheila held a hand down to Janapurna. Janapurna took it, gratefully.

"We'll see," said Sheila as she helped the enchantress pull herself up onto the giant beast. Janapurna wrapped her arms tightly around the slim girl.

"So now what?" Sheila asked her friend. "How do we make them go?"

"They should do whatever Janapurna tells them to," answered Diana, breaking into a smile. "Failing that..." she wielded her staff. "I find a quick smack'll usually do the trick."

"I'm not gonna hit a defenceless animal!"

"Sheila, what you're sitting on is the opposite of 'defenceless'." A wicked thought crossed her mind. "Face it, girls, if you're gonna keep a stallion between your legs, you're gonna have to show him who's boss..."

She was met with two equally nonplussed expressions. She briefly turned her eyes skyward. Eric would have got that one. Admittedly, he'd have read it as a come-on, but at least he'd have _laughed_!

"Let's get back to the shelter," she sighed, "who knows what trouble those horrible boys will have got themselves into by now..."

Janapurna leaned past Sheila and muttered to her mount, which obediently turned in the direction of the shelter and took off. It only took a gentle smack from Diana's staff for the second horse to follow suit.

"You shouldn't worry," Janapurna told Sheila as they flew, "I can't have left them any more than quarter of an hour ago, and they were all half asleep. What could have possibly happened since then?"

---

Fifteen minutes earlier

The sky had become a dark, slate grey. It melded in with the flat, empty land. There was a soft snoring coming from within the shelter, and two young men sat on the stones surrounding it, appreciatively watching the curvaceous brunette sprinting away from them. After a while, the slighter, darker man spoke.

"When d'you think she'll be back?"

The blond man shrugged. "Soon. She said she'd be back soon."

There was another pause.

"Still," smiled the young Cavalier, "I do love to watch her leave."

"Really?" Hank watched her fade into the distance and hugged his arms to himself. "I miss her already."

Eric snorted a laugh. "Can't believe _you're_ pining after a girl..."

"She's not a girl!" snapped Hank, rising. "She's not silly or needy or... girlish. Janapurna's a woman. With a woman's heart and a woman's needs..."

"...and a woman's bottom..."

Hank met Eric's grin frostily. "Yes, I noticed you liked her too."

Eric just shrugged, still smiling. "Bit of healthy competition. It'll keep me on my toes."

"Try to sleaze all over her again and those toes won't touch the ground."

Eric's jaw dropped open in amazement. He regarded Hank's serious stance for the briefest moment, then burst into hysterical giggles. "Oh! Oh, a _threat_?" Hank didn't flinch, but drew himself a little taller, exaggerating the inch in height he had over the laughing youth. "The boy scout is challenging me to a duel? Oh, this is too much! You're killing me!"

Hank watched Eric stagger across to the mound, doubled over in hysterics. "See, that's your big trouble, Eric. You never take anything seriously."

Eric shook his head, wiping a tear from his eye. "Well, they say laughter's the best aphrodisiac..."

"I think you'll find that's Power."

"Which, obviously, you have by the bucketload." Eric had stopped laughing. He pulled himself up straight and eyed Hank, who still hadn't moved. "Forget it, Hank. I'm not gonna fight you."

"Because you know I'd kick your ass." This time it was Hank's turn to smile.

"No..." replied Eric, unconvincingly, "because it's stupid. Now I'm going to join Presto in catching a few 'Z's, and I'd recommend you steer clear of the 'gay' jokes from now on..."

Hank felt his fists bunch involuntarily as Eric moved towards the door of the shelter. He was going to have the last word. Again! He always had to get the last word in! Well, not this time.

"You're a coward, Montgomery."

Eric froze in the doorway, his back still to the Ranger. "Gentlemen don't use the 'C' word, Hank." His manner was dangerously courteous.

"Admit it." Hank couldn't stop himself. And, for once, he really didn't want to. "You're a snivelling little coward, and that's why girls don't like you."

Eric turned to him, calmly. "Look, you're obviously cut up over me and Janapurna, so I'm gonna let this one..."

"Not just Janapurna, Eric. Face it, you're hardly Hugh Heffner." He gave Eric the Look that he only seldom used - the one that always, always made the younger boy look away first - and spoke simply and clearly. "Girls just like me better than you."

Eric didn't back down this time. "Name one."

It would have been so easy to say 'Sheila'. There was no denying that - all the others had made little teasing comments about it, including Eric. And the Cavalier had certainly grown fond of the little redhead. But it wouldn't have upset him. He appeared to wish the pair of them happiness together, in his own little sarcastic Ericky way. And Hank was playing for higher stakes than that.

"Diana Jones."

Yep. There it was. That look Hank had caught him giving Kosar behind his back all those times. Only magnified around tenfold.

"Liar," lied Eric, his head swimming with the hundreds of little moments when he'd seen the two of them chatting, laughing, flirting...

"She laughs at you, you know," Hank added, twisting the truth, "she thinks you're just some silly kid with a crush..."

"She knows?"

Hank grinned, delighted at Eric's distress. "Of course she knows! Everybody knows! And everybody but you it seems knows that it isn't you she wants, it's me. Just like Janapurna."

Eric set his face, furiously, stepping away from the doorway. "OK, Hank. You got your wish. You got your Goddamn duel." He raised his shield, but eyed Hank's bow with worry. "Uhh.. look, I'm not sure we should do this with weapons."

Hank glanced down at the bow in his hands. He'd sworn to himself, after seeing the damage it was capable of, that he'd never, ever use it aggressively. He hadn't broken that vow for Venger, and he really didn't want to break it over some kid he could easily pummel barehanded.

"Fine." He tossed the bow to the ash.

Eric threw his shield down, relieved. "I mean, I don't want to kill you..."

"But the armour's not fair," added Hank.

Eric looked down at the several layers of steel covering him. "Touché. So, what? Skins?" He began to unbuckle his breastplate, but nodded at Hank. "You too, Man. That leather must be pretty protective."

Hank rolled his eyes, but removed his tunic anyway. "Well, isn't this manly?"

"It was your idea," replied Eric, pulling his chainmail shirt over his head. "Any more provisos before we start?"

"Yeah," said Hank. "This is a clean fight. For Janapurna."

"Right." Eric cracked his ungloved fingers. "Nothing below the belt, that sort'a thing."

"Exactly." Hank held his hand out.

Eric took his hand, and shook it. "Not the face."

Hank nodded curtly. "Not the hair."

There was a pause. They were still shaking hands.

Eric broke the silence with a short, nervous laugh. "Look, this is pretty dumb..."

_Oh no you don't! You're not slinking out of this one!_

Hank said nothing, but twisted his right hand out of Eric's grasp and punched the youth hard in the stomach. Eric staggered back, winded.

"I wasn't ready..." was all he managed to gasp before Hank hit him again. Eric lashed out weakly at Hank as he approached. Hank barely flinched at the fist hitting his chest, but with fast, archer's hands, reached up and grabbed the Cavalier by the wrist, twisting him round into a Half Nelson. Eric cried out in pain and frustration as Hank easily forced him to the ground, pinning his arm behind him.

"Yield!" hissed Hank, pushing his entire body weight onto Eric's twisted arm.

"Up yours, Legolas!"

Eric yelped as Hank pulled his arm further up his back in retaliation. "OK... OK... just let me go."

Hank gave Eric's arm one last twist, then released him. He stood triumphantly, watching Eric painfully rise. He held out his hand again. The defeated Cavalier eyed it suspiciously.

"I'm just stronger than you," explained Hank, the jealous rage in him swiftly ebbing away, "there's no shame in it." He gave Eric a supportive little smile. Honour had been satisfied. "No hard feelings?"

Eric paused for a moment, shaking the life back into his right arm and brushing ash from his lips. He stepped towards Hank and, meeting his smile, took his hand, pulled the Ranger into him and swiftly raised a knee between Hank's legs.

"None at all."

Hank couldn't scream, couldn't swear. His mouth gaped open in wordless shock and agony. His feet rooted to the spot, he crumpled to the ground, doubling over his stinging crotch. He lifted his outraged face to Eric, tears welling involuntarily in his eyes.

"That... wasn't... fair!" he gasped, breathlessly.

Eric just shrugged. "Of course it wasn't. I'm Eric."

"You knew!' Hank spat, "you knew you'd never beat me in a fair fight."

"Sure." Eric turned back to the shelter, dismissing him. "So did you. That's why you started it."

_He's doing it again!_

"No!" Hank launched himself lengthways at Eric's ankles, causing the other boy to lose his balance and topple. "I'm not done with you yet!"

Eric tried to kick out at Hank as he was dragged back by the top of his pants and flung to his back, but the Ranger dodged his legs and blocked an attempted punch with a forearm.

"You wanna play dirty?" seethed Hank, picking a fistful of ash from the ground, "Fine!" He flung the grey ash into the other youth's dark eyes.

Eric screamed, clutching his face, and Hank took advantage of his temporary blindness, slapping him several times across the head. Suddenly, Eric lashed out his hands, catching Hank's arms. Hank looked down at the other boys' unprotected face. His eyes were red-raw, weeping and still unseeing. Hank clawed his hands around, clutching Eric's wrists as tightly as Eric had his. Stalemate. There was nothing either of them could...

With hindsight, Hank marvelled at how somebody who couldn't see a thing and was probably half concussed had managed to aim a mouthful of spit and phlegm so perfectly into his left eye. At the time, however, he merely cursed and dropped Eric's arms, wiping the foul, stinging goop off his face. As he did, Eric flung out a hand quickly, grabbing Hank's long, blond hair tightly at the roots and pulling his head helplessly into him. Hank barely had time to react before he was dealt a right hook to the cheek by Eric's free hand. The surprising force of it pushed his head back hard. Hank heard a sickening rip by his ear, then felt the pain at the side of his scalp. He sat back momentarily, stunned, blinking in the gloom, watching Eric throw the handful of blond hair to the ground and prop himself up onto his elbows. That did it. That took the biscuit. He was just going to have to kill him. He threw himself down onto the prone Cavalier, but Eric, regaining his eyesight, managed to roll away swiftly, leaving Hank attempting to throttle a mound of ashes. Hank got up to all fours, looking about himself in fury.

"Where are you, you little..."

A very hard blow to the back of his head threw him back onto his chest. Dazed, Hank rolled to his back and saw Eric, rising from his knees, snarling animalisticly. The long, curved implement in the dark boy's hands was throbbing with magic. His bow! That little bastard had hit him with _his own bow!_ Eric raised the bow again, but Hank dodged away, kicking out at Eric's shin as he did.

_Two can play at that game..._

Hank grabbed the nearby shield and stumbled to his feet. He could hear Eric taking a run up behind him. He span around 180 degrees on the spot, bringing the shield out in a long, fast arc in front of him. Hank nearly had to drop the shield as its edge caught the side of Eric's jaw hard, throwing him violently to the ground - he could feel the weapon crackling with unhappy magic, sending electrical shocks through his fingers as it protested at being used against its master. But it was worth it. He stood over Eric victoriously, watching the boy wipe his hand along the gash on the side of his face and react, horrified, to the amount of blood coming from it. He raised the shield again as Eric lifted the bow, painful magic shooting down both their hands...

"STOP!"

Both boys paused as the young Wizard skidded in between them, his hands outstretched.

"Presto..."

"What are you doing?" It was more an accusation than a simple question. The teenager's face was alive with rage.

Hank lowered the shield sheepishly. "Um..."

"You're fighting... using weapons... God! You could have really hurt each other!"

Presto snatched the bow out of Eric's hands. Hank dropped the shield of his own accord. Still Presto glowered at him angrily.

"How stupid! How pointless!" Presto threw the bow to the ground.

Hank looked down and, doing so, saw Eric properly for the first time since they'd started fighting. The dark youth was red eyed and bloody faced. There was a good bruise starting to form on his stomach. Hank could feel the swelling beginning on his cheek and the back of his head, but at the same time he couldn't help but notice how very skinny Eric still was - one of those wiry kids, all speed and no substance. It had been a miracle he'd fought back as well as he had.

He sighed. "You're right. We shouldn't be fighting amongst ourselves..."

"...especially since Janapurna's obviously in love with _me_," finished Presto.

Hank and Eric both looked at the Magician, then at each other, flabbergasted.

"_You_?" exclaimed Eric, beginning to pick himself up.

"Yes. Me." Presto folded his arms with an unusual sullenness. "Any reason why not?"

"You've seen a mirror lately, right?" Eric began to nonchalantly dust himself off, and Hank couldn't help but smile. Presto! That was ridiculous!

Presto rolled his eyes in irritation. "Oh yes. I get it. I understand what all this is about." He stood apart from them and seemed to address the heavens themselves. "There's always so much testosterone flying about between you two, you're always so worried about who's the strongest, who's the coolest, who's the sexiest... and while the both of you have been having your little yearlong posing contest, it seems to have escaped your attention as to who actually gets the girls around here."

That caught their attention. They both turned and stared at Presto, who grinned cruelly.

"Who out of the three of us is the one who's ever had a real girlfriend? Is it you, Hank, for all your Comic Book Hero looks and all your Goddamn moralising? Is it you, Eric, for all your bragging and your joking and your White Boy brooding? Or is it the poor, myopic, buck toothed nerd that nobody ever pays any attention to? Could it be that while you two apes were spending your adolescence strutting round each other, the Beta Male over here was spending his time actually talking to girls, getting to know them, and on the way getting a bit of frigging action?"

"Presto..." attempted Eric.

"For example," continued Presto, "have either of you even kissed a girl?" He waited for a reaction, but neither boy moved a muscle. "No? Just me, again? With two of the prettiest girls I ever saw with us 24/7 and an ex-fiancee under your belt? C'mon, you two are pathetic! You think you can win her over by _hitting_ each other? I mean..." Presto stalled slightly, "I mean, what d'you think you guys got that I haven't?"

There was a long pause. Hank thought of a very cruel response, but didn't want to say it.

His so-called best friend, on the other hand, appeared not to be above that sort of underhandedness. Eric folded his arms, looked Presto in the eyes and smiled viciously. "Pubes."

Presto gave himself no time to think. He barrelled into Eric with a Kamikaze scream, knocking the Cavalier over with a barrage of flying fists. Hank ran to them, trying to prize the fighting friends apart.

"Guys! Guys!" He pulled Presto up by the scruff of the neck. "Stop this!"

Presto reached around, slapping Hank on the side of the face with surprising strength. "Stay out of this, Pretty Boy!"

Hank let go of the magician, then reared up on them both with a sudden rage.

"Don't. Call. Me. PRETTY!"

He fell into them, and they rolled aimlessly in the ash, a three person strong maelstrom of thrashing limbs and pheromones. There were nails in there, and teeth. It was only when Hank pulled away from the others, crying out and checking the crook of his elbow for blood, that he realised they had come outside the protective stone circle.

"Uh-oh..."

A spectral horse neighed sharply, right on cue. This did not, however, stop the other boys from fighting.

"Guys..." Hank attempted tapping Eric on the shoulder.

There was a second neigh, closer this time.

"Guys!"

"Oh my goodness."

All three boys looked up, guiltily at the sultry voice.

The stallions were at a standstill in front of them. Diana rode one, alone. Sheila rode the other, with Janapurna sat behind her, shaking her head in horror.

"If you Gentlemen are _quite_ finished," said Diana with a false politeness, "there's still a frightened nine year old alone out there. Would you care to join us weak, feeble women in rescuing him?"

The boys all watched Janapurna. She looked sad. Sad and so very tired of being sad. She pressed her head against Sheila's back and closed her eyes against the world.

Diana raised her eyebrows at the half dressed, bloodied boys. "Well?"


	6. Baby Got Back

JANAPURNA

Baby Got Back

The transition back into the Realm was nowhere near as dizzying or unpleasant as being sent to the Plane of the Dead. They just got on the horses, and, as they flew, the flat greyness found shape and colour, and they were in the woods once more. It was night in the Realm as well, but the huge stallions dodged around the dark treetops expertly.

"Where are we going?" cried Janapurna as they raced through the forest.

"We need to find Malison's shack," called Diana from the other horse, "but we could be anywhere!"

Janapurna nodded, slapping Hank's hand away for the seventeenth time. "We'll find him."

Eric scowled at Hank, who had jumped on the mount behind Janapurna before the others had a chance, and was taking 'holding on for dear life' just a little too seriously. But of course she'd go for a guy like Hank... wouldn't she..? Wouldn't they all..? Hank's taunts were still plaguing him, and his thoughts were beginning to spiral out of control. Gone were the real memories of Hank's general ease around the opposite sex, and in their place was a horrible fantasised future... a lonely old man in a shack and a nightmarish Polygamist wedding... the handsome blond Groom standing amongst his three brides and laughing that since he knew he could have all the women he wanted, he'd decided he would...

Eric sighed, and closed his eyes, pressing his chest against Diana's back, and his face into her thick curls. She felt him shiver, and turned to him slightly.

"You cold?"

"Mm-hmm."

Her lip curled, not entirely cruelly. "Welcome to my world."

He rested his head on her shoulder. "Can I have my armour back now?"

Her eyes left his as she began to scour the ground for the hut yet again. "Not until we've dismounted. If you try to dress while we're riding you'll fall off..."

She was cut off by a familiar bleating, and a loud scream.

"Oh my goodness!" Janapurna was pointing in terror at the small white shape trailing them at speed in the undergrowth. "What's that thing?"

Diana tugged at the horse's mane, pulling it around, and forcing it downwards. She grinned gladly as the little unicorn stopped and waited for her, bleating in grateful recognition.

"Don't worry, it's only our unicorn," replied Presto, removing his hat. As they passed over Uni, he leaned across, reaching down with the hat and scooping the creature up with it. "Gotcha!" He lost his balance briefly, but Eric reached behind himself, grabbing Presto's collar, and helping the Magician gracelessly pull himself and Uni up onto the horse's back. Presto righted himself without a word to his friend as Sheila ushered her own horse to the ground.

"Uni!" The unicorn was bleating frantically and licking Presto's face like an excitable puppy. "Where's Bobby?"

Uni's face wrinkled up with distaste. "Meh Melimeh..."

Hank nodded, sagely. "Still with Malison, huh?"

"Myeah! Mee muh-uh men-ah may!"

"In a cage?" Sheila's eyes widened as the unicorn nodded. "Poor Bobby! D'you know where they are?"

Uni jerked her head behind herself, causing Presto to dodge his head out of the way of her horn. "Muov moh maah-meh..."

Eric turned to her, irritated. "Whaddaya mean, 'we've gone past them'?"

Janapurna blinked, astounded. "You... understand that?"

Eric shrugged. "It's kinda like holding a conversation with a brain damaged two-year-old, but you get used to it after a while." He addressed the unicorn again, ignoring the raspberry she was blowing him. "So, are you gonna lead the way or not?"

---

Malison lit a fresh candle, settled down in his chair and did his very best to ignore the captive boy. The child had finally tired of the song, which had been irritating enough, without even telling Malison what the song that was supposed to Get On His Nerves actually was. The boy was now talking. Telling him everything. Every mundane event in his short little life in tedious detail, and no chronological order. And, the worst thing was, the boy appeared to be really, really enjoying it, and paid particular attention to any blood, vomit, faecal matter or bodily fluid in general that played a part in his life story. Malison was amazed that somebody so young could have possibly done so many pointless, boring and disgusting things. He tried to concentrate on his cross stitch, and tune the boy's voice out.

"...and then when I was six I jumped off a swing right as it was swinging to the top and I landed right on my nose. I'm telling ya, there was blood everywhere. I mean everywhere! In my hair, down my shirt, down my throat, so I was coughing it up, so my parents thought I had internal bleeding or somethin'. And when my sister saw it, she threw up, which you're probably thinking makes that the second time I made her sick after the time I told you about earlier when I put salt and pepper in her milk, but it was actually the third because I haven't told you about The Spaghetti Incident yet, but don't you worry, Alison, I'm gettin' round to it..."

There was a screeching, and a loud, rhythmic banging on the door. Malison leaped out of his chair just in time to see his door splinter and give way under the weight of the dark youth shoulder barging it with a large, golden shield. He snarled in fury as five more teenagers piled through into his shack, weapons raised.

"'Bout time!" cried the boy from his cage.

"So, you've come back for more, eh?" Malison backed away from the youngsters, his hands clawed, thinking fast for some spell to get rid of them again. His attention was caught briefly by a childlike growl. That blasted little unicorn was back, too. "I thought you'd have learned your lesson by..." his voice trailed off as he noticed the girl that was carrying the little beast. So soft and dark and sad and enchanting. He stood transfixed as his eyes drunk in every visible inch of her... the curve of her hip, the cherry pout of her sorrowful mouth, the gentle, comforting movements of her long fingers through the unicorn's mane... He was in love. After all that time, all those decades of loneliness, he had finally found someone! He stepped towards her.

"Ravishing creature..." he sighed, "what are you? Who are you?"

"Bleurgh," muttered the unicorn.

Janapurna just winced wordlessly as the gnarled old hermit approached her. She'd known this would happen as soon as she got back! Why had she even contemplated leaving the plane of the Dead? As if to answer her silent question, she was distracted by Diana's encouraging smile from behind the old man. It lifted her spirits instantly. The Acrobat was mouthing something to her. Janapurna blinked, watching Diana's lips carefully as she formed the words. 'Play Along. Distract Him'. Janapurna flitted her gaze between Diana and Sheila, who nodded in agreement, pointing at the hermit, then clasping her hands to her chest, mocking his expression of longing. Janapurna steeled herself momentarily, then set the unicorn down, meeting the horrible stranger's eyes, smiling invitingly.

"I'm Janapurna."

"Janapurrrrnaaaah..." Malison rolled all four syllables of her name around his mouth as though it were made of chocolate.

Hank stood by the cage, bristling with rage. She had smiled at him. She had _smiled_ at _him_! He could feel the fire in his hands as he squeezed his bow. He wasn't going to stand for it! After all this Alison had done to them, he wasn't going to get Janapurna. He didn't deserve her! He was vaguely aware of the others... Diana was just about managing to hold Eric back, and Sheila was blocking Presto with difficulty. With nothing in his mind but a red jealous fury, he drew his bow, aiming it at the back of Malison's head. The Ex Wizard still moved in on Janapurna, oblivious. It was so simple, an easy shot...

"Hank?"

Hank froze, and looked down. The kid looked up at him through the bars of the cage in confusion.

"What are you doing?"

He looked from Bobby to Malison. What _was_ he doing? "Um..."

"I thought you made an oath, Hank."

Hank looked down. Dammit!

"Don't get me wrong," muttered Bobby, "that creep's nothing but an Orc loving, unicorn kicking, tea cursing Son Of A Bitch, and he needs a severe ass whupping. But don't kill him, Hank. Don't... don't kill him."

Hank noticed that Sheila was watching him too, with the same earnest, trusting O'Brien eyes.

"I mean," shrugged Bobby in conclusion, "who'd clear up the mess?"

Hank set his face. He didn't lower his bow, but turned and fired. The lock to the cage melted away under the heat of the direct hit of the energy bolt, and Hank swung open the top of it and lifted the boy out of it.

"We're leaving," he announced, setting Bobby onto his feet. "Right now."

Unchecked by Malison, Bobby ran into his sister's waiting arms.

"And where on Earth did you pick up language like that, young man?" scolded Sheila gently.

"Where d'ya think?" grinned Bobby, nudging his head in the direction of the furious Cavalier. "Hey, what's up with you guys? He was only gonna send me to another child labour camp, and I only need to go to another two to get my badge..."

"...get away from her, Alison..." seethed Presto quietly, flushed with anger.

Malison had taken Janapurna's hand, and was running his fingers up her arm.

"My name is Malison," he cooed, "I'm a very, very powerful Wizard..."

"Not another one," muttered Janapurna through her gritted teeth.

"No! _Not_ another one!"

Everybody turned in surprise to see the source of the loud, indignant cry. Presto was pressed against the wall of the shack, physically shaking with rage.

"He is _not_ a Wizard! He's just a mean, disgusting old man!" Presto gazed at Janapurna, desperately. "He's no good, Janapurna. He's not good enough for you. He's not a real Wizard, not like I am!"

"_You?_" Malison folded his arms and regarded the bespectacled youth with amusement. "But you're just a little boy."

"I know you are," seethed Presto with a dangerous quietness, "you said you are, but what am I?"

Malison shook his head patronisingly. "My dear boy, you seem to have got yourself confused. It is you who is the pathetic child, and not I."

"I know you are!" said Presto, much louder, "you said you are! But what am I?"

Malison turned to Janapurna and shrugged.

Presto took a step away from the wall, opening up his hat. Janapurna took her cue from the other kids to get out of the line of fire while Malison watched from centre stage, thoroughly entertained. "_I know you are! You said you are! But WHAT AM I?_"

Green smoke poured from the hat, filling the shack. Janapurna held her breath, pushing her face down against the floorboards. It seemed like an eternity before a strong, female hand grabbed her shoulder. She pushed herself up to all fours, gasping.

"It's OK, Janapurna." Diana smiled at her through the thinning smoke. "C'mon, let's get out of here."

Janapurna blinked. "But what about that... Malison?"

"See for yourself!" Diana indicated over to a small, animated bundle of clothes crumpled up in the space up until recently occupied by the Ex Wizard. Janapurna got to her feet and picked her way over to it, curiously. The bundle appeared to be muttering to itself in a high voice.

"My powers... all gone! Shrunk away! My precious beard! My knobbly knees... all those years I wasted making them all knarled and Wizardy..."

Janapurna reached down and pushed back the bundle's hood. She leaped back a little as the snot-encrusted, chubby face of a six year old boy gazed up at her miserably. Its eyes were welling up with tears, but still had a familiar maliciousness about them.

"Malison?"

"No, Janapurna!" The child backed away from her. "I don't want you to see me looking like this."

Diana took her hand and began to lead her towards the caved-in door. "I think he asked for that," she grinned, "don't you? And he won't be causing any more problems for a while now. Come on."

Janapurna gratefully allowed Diana to lead her outside, to where the others were already breathing in the fresh air.

"Wait for me, Janapurna!" called the little boy as she left. "I just need time! Just a decade or so and I'll be ready for you..."

---

Diana gently pulled the broken door to behind Malison's growing temper tantrum. Another scream from the sky behind her caused her to spin around. The horses!

"Aw, Nuts," cried Bobby in exasperation. "Not those guys again!"

The Barbarian made to flee, but his sister caught his shoulder.

"It's OK, Bobby."

The horses weren't approaching, or threatening them. They just hung in the sky, watching and waiting. Their eyes followed Janapurna as she took a step forward, out of the group.

"You're free now," she called. "Your Master is gone. You don't need to attack people any more. And you don't need to watch over me. Go back to your own world."

The larger stallion ducked its head down to Janapurna's level. Janapurna ignored the boys' gasps of concern, and timidly patted the creature's nose. The beast gave a slight huff, then rose, high into the sky, turning to its companion. Janapurna watched them gallop away into the night, fading into the darkness as they did. She felt the hands on her arms and sighed. Here was one problem that _wasn't_ going to fix itself so easily.

"That was so clever, Janapurna..." muttered Hank at her ear.

"...and brave..." added Eric.

"...and clever." finished Presto.

"What the..?" Bobby turned to his irritated sister in confusion as the other boys surrounded the strange girl.

"I already said clever, Presto."

"Yeah, but I felt it would be more of a compliment coming from _me_. After all, she's just seen the sort of power I'm capable of."

Janapurna looked around to the girls, and shook her head, sadly. "I'm so sorry."

"That was just a fluke, Janapurna!" interjected Eric. "Normally he can't magic his way out of a paper bag without... I dunno... turning the paper bag into a crocodile or somethin'. I mean, that's nothing compared to, say, beating a locked door down single-handed..."

Janapurna tried to wriggle her arms out of the three boys' grasps. "This was a mistake."

"Oh yes, smashing things up, that's very impressive..." began Hank.

"You should have just left me in the Planes of the Dead. I'm nothing but trouble."

"That is not so, Janapurna. It is those entranced by you who are the trouble."

Everybody stopped, and looked down at the speaker by Janapurna's knees. The calm, wise voice was familiar, but not the one they had been expecting.

"Oh," said Sheila, feeling a faint smile grow on her lips.

"Where... where did you come from?" asked Janapurna in amazement as the young men automatically moved aside. "Who are you?"

The wrinkled old woman smiled broadly up at the girl. "My name is Zandora. And I am from, Oh... all over the place. It is where I am going next that will probably be of interest to you."

Diana put a reassuring hand on Janapurna's shoulder, grinning. "No DM, huh?"

Zandora shook her head. "My old friend felt that were he to meet with the Unfortunate Enchantress himself, it may... complicate matters."

The Acrobat laughed, warmly. "No kidding!"

"Besides," continued the old woman, "your new companion will need assistance in finding the White Palace, and no male of any kind has set foot there for thousands of years."

"That's OK," shrugged Presto, "I can wait outside for her."

"You most certainly cannot," ordered Zandora. "None of you can."

Hank stepped forward. "We're not leaving her!"

Janapurna folded her arms, backing away from the boys decisively. "Yes you are. I've had about enough of the three of you as I can stand."

"What?"

She looked away from their hurt expressions. "I... I'm sure you're all lovely boys, when you're not around me, that is, but it wouldn't work. Not with any one of you. I just don't feel that way about... about You Lot." She crouched down to Zandora's level and addressed the wizened old woman. "There will be sanctuary for me in this White Palace, won't there?"

Zandora patted Janapurna's knee. "My dear child. Not just sanctuary. The Priestesses there specialise in removing unwanted 'gifts' such as yours. Yours is a far more common affliction than you have been led to believe."

Janapurna smiled. A lovely, honest, joyful smile. "There are other girls like me? And we can be cured?"

"It may take some time, but yes. When you leave you will be able to live a normal life... If you wish to leave, that is..."

Janapurna stood, happily, beaming at the girls. "I'll be normal!"

Zandora turned to the others. "But here is where the rest of you must make your goodbyes."

"No..." chorused the older boys, mournfully.

"Yes," replied Zandora. "There is a town called Mould not far from here. I understand that the Dungeon Master has work for you there. They are having problems with a nearby Orc Mine taking their children."

Bobby shuddered. "Right."

"So what are we waiting for?" grinned Diana. "Let's make like a tree, etcetera."

Hank, Eric and Presto looked from Janapurna to one another and sighed.

"We'll miss you," Hank told the Enchantress.

Janapurna smiled to herself, shaking her head. "I think I'll miss you, too."

"You're sure you haven't..." Eric attempted.

"...changed my mind?" finished Janapurna, kindly. "No."

She was thrown a little off balance as all three boys launched themselves simultaneously at her, fondly, platonically hugging her goodbye. One by one they released her of their own accord, and turned to go.

"Don't look back, Man," she heard the Cavalier half tell the others as the little Barbarian and his unicorn joined them. "Be strong. It just wasn't meant to be."

"I can't believe it!" chirruped the child as they began to pick their way into the undergrowth, "you guys all went slushy over a _girl_? God! That's so Gay!"

Janapurna was left with the two girls. Diana rolled her eyes in mock despair of the boys.

"You know, the White Palace is starting to sound awfully tempting."

"I'd ask you two to come with us," smiled Janapurna, "but your men obviously need you."

"Yeah," sighed Sheila, "you see we're all on this sorta Quest together..."

"That's not what I meant", replied Janapurna.

The two adventurers looked confused. Janapurna squirmed a little in the awkward pause.

"What I mean is," she stuttered, finally, "that you two are about the smartest, bravest, loveliest girls I've ever met. And I think that your friends know it too."

Sheila opened her mouth to make a modest reply, but was taken by surprise as the Enchantress wrapped her arms around the both of them, and pulled them deeply into an embrace, kissing their cheeks.

"Thankyou for saving me," she murmured, "thankyou for coming into my life."

She released them, flushing slightly, and stepped back towards Zandora.

"Goodbye."

Diana and Sheila exchanged glances, but met Janapurna's smile. "'Bye, Janapurna."

And then the turned and followed the others into the depths of the forest. Janapurna sighed, hugging her arms to herself, watching them leave.

"What sort of girls are there at this White Palace?" She asked her guide.

"All sorts," replied Zandora, gently. "It will comfort you to know that many of the 'blessed' share your... interest."

Janapurna looked at her feet, blushing again.

"It is quite a common quirk," continued Zandora, "that people often want the things that will come the least easily to them."

There it was. Out in the open. Not a judgement, merely an observation. Relieved, Janapurna raised her eyes boldly and watched the girls disappearing into the dark trees, allowing her eyes to feast for once on the soft curves of their buttocks and smooth thighs.

"Do they have," she whispered eventually, "teeny tiny little outfits like that where we're going?"

Zandora laughed, and took her hand. "Some of them do, Young One. Some of them do."

---

The suns were beginning to rise by the time they left the forest. The fields before them were bathed in a pale light, and the small town of Mould was visible in the distance, only a few hours walk away. For once, Hank hung back with Eric and Presto. Each new ray of light seemed to pick out a new bruise or scratch on their faces, and consumed him with guilt.

"Hey," he muttered, running a hand readjusting his hair to cover up the small bald patch on the side of his head, "sorry I beat you guys up."

"You didn't," Eric replied, quickly, then paused and added "us two managed to do plenty of damage ourselves. To you _and_ each other."

"OK," sighed Hank, searching for a new angle, "well it was wrong of us to fight. And it won't happen again, right?"

"Sure thing." Presto nodded. "It's bad enough with everybody else in this crazy place trying to hurt us without doing it ourselves."

"All I care about is, you guys both fight too dirty for me." Eric curled the corner of his lip in a self-mocking smile. "I mean, going for the eyes, Hank? _Biting_, Presto? I'm staying on your good sides from now on."

"I don't know what came over me," muttered Hank, kicking a pebble away. "It was dumb. Really dumb. How could I have I acted like such a... such a..."

He looked up, a sudden thought perturbing him terribly. Without finishing his sentence, he sped up away from the other boys, overtaking Diana with a quick pat on the shoulder and catching up with Sheila who was walking behind her brother, alone.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey." She didn't meet his eyes, but kept staring straight ahead.

"Listen, Sheila... I'm really sorry."

"Sorry?" Still she didn't look at him. "Whatever for?"

"I'm sorry I acted like such a pig around Janapurna."

She folded her arms. "What are you apologising to me for? You were under a spell. You all were."

Hank shrugged. "Well, Presto's very young, and Eric's... Eric's Eric. I shouldn't have behaved like that. Especially to you, ignoring you like that. You believe in me. At least, you did..."

She smiled a little. "I still believe in you."

He searched her eyes. "If there's any way I can make it up to you..."

Usually she'd have blushed and mumbled an excuse. But she didn't this time. She met his eyes levelly and said "Well, if there's a place that does Hot Chocolate in this town we're going to, you can get me one."

He smiled at her. "OK." She pushed her hand through the crook of his arm, holding the inside of his elbow. "OK."

Diana walked behind them, smiling as they twisted their arms around each other and began to laugh and joke. Her two best friends were getting there, slowly but surely. They deserved happiness with each other. They also deserved some privacy. She tuned out Hank and Sheila's voices and found herself listening to the quiet conversation that had sparked up behind her.

"...I mean, she was pretty and all, but... she was no Varla."

Eric groaned. "You and your Damsels In Distress. She was hot, OK? But she was nothin' on Julie Klien in that little summer dress, or... You Know."

Presto's voice dropped to a level so soft that Diana couldn't make out the words. She concentrated her hearing so hard that when Eric's voice rose up loud, close behind her, she jumped.

"OK then, catch us up in a minute. And don't pee on any crops. That's gross."

Eric appeared by her shoulder, and began to walk with her.

"He can split my lip, he can defeat an evil Wizard, he just can't control his bladder," he told her, conversationally.

"Mm-hmm." She folded her arms in irritation.

He frowned. "What's up with you?"

Diana didn't answer. A cheery thought struck Eric and he smiled, brightly.

"You're not jealous, are you?"

"No," she snapped, a little too defiantly.

"Oh, come on," he grinned, "the three of us getting all hot and bothered over some other girl, getting all naked and fighty..."

Diana tutted. "I just thought you were all really stupid."

"It's OK, Diana." He tucked a curl of her hair behind her ear before she could bat his hand away. "It's OK to feel bad when some random stranger just falls out of the woodwork and sweeps the object of your desire off their feet right in front of you. Trust me. I've been there."

She looked across at him, narrowing her eyes suspiciously. "You haven't. I've never seen you jealous over a girl before Janapurna. Besides, you're way too shallow."

"Maybe I hide it. Maybe I bury my deeper feelings inside a shallow exterior because it makes me feel safe. Or maybe I made it all up just to make me seem more sensitive." He watched her as she broke into a smile, despite herself.

"Either way," she joked, "if I swoon any more here I think I'm gonna fall over."

He reached up to the corner of her mouth. "What's this? A little smile?"

She tried to make her expression more serious, but failed. "Maybe."

"See, that's all I needed. Just a smile from a pretty girl and all is well with the world again. And you dare to call me shallow..."

And with that he grinned at her, running his hand down her warm, velvety arm to her hand, which he pulled away from gently, his eyes never leaving hers as he turned away and walked straight into a tree.

---

The Orc Captain turned and barked orders to his troop, who quickened their pace, and checked the co-ordinates on the paper scrap he had been given. He didn't really want to take his best guards all the way out into the forest for one measly child, especially with the Northern Shaft collapsing again, but the Ex Wizard's message had promised an unusually strong boy - and a feral one at that, with armour and weaponry. There was always the possibility that the old hermit had unwittingly captured one of the troublesome Young Ones, and the reward for their weapons, not to mention the children themselves, was growing by the week. He had hurried out with a good dozen soldiers as soon as the Northern Shaft had been secured. He stopped, holding out a hand for the others to halt. Was that _it_? A rundown little shack in the middle of nowhere? The door was hanging off its hinges, and coming from it was the sound of a crying child. He checked the co-ordinates again. This was indeed the place. He stepped forward, nudging open the damaged door and drawing his sword warily. The crying stopped abruptly, and a little round face looked up tearily from a bundle of clothes in the corner.

"You're late!" it squeaked.

The Orc Captain frowned. He hadn't expected the child to be so small. "Where is Malison? He has a prisoner for us."

The bundle stood up, wiping its nose with a sleeve that trailed the floor.

"I am Malison! But the prisoner escaped because you were too late."

"Dat's not Malison," muttered another Orc by the Captain's ear, "I seen 'im. 'E's all bones and beard."

"There was a spell put on me, stupid. Look!" The tiny creature waved its arms around. "I'm a Wizard! I'm wearing Wizard's things!"

The Orc Captain pondered for a brief moment, then strode forward and picked the child, slinging it over his shoulder.

"What are you doing?" the child exclaimed, "I'm a bloody Wizard!"

"Dere was a Wizard with dem, wasn't there?" one of the Orcs asked his Captain.

"So they say," replied the Captain, carrying the struggling boy with ease.

"Where are you taking me?" screamed the little Wizard.

"To our Lord," replied the Captain, "he might have use for you. If not, you shan't go idle."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Have you ever been interested in a career in mining?" leered the Captain, "Only we've had some vacancies come up in our Northern Shaft..."

And so the suns rose fully in a bright and cloudless sky, and, miles away from the sound of screams ringing across the forest, Presto was certain that it was going to be another perfect day.

The End

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Index of Quotes and Refs, as promised!

Spitting Feathers (title is a phrase used round our parts to mean being hot/thirsty/angry)

Diana Jones: This is an (originally unintentional) Indie ref. Just decided Jones was a good surname for Diana one day and once I thought about the Indie connatations it had already lodged in my brain.

"Where's the Kaboom?": From Loony Tunes (Marvin the Martian on Earth's failure to explode)

Malison (I needed a new Wizard name - this came from the dictionary... means the same as malediction.)

"Looks a bit Texas Chainsaw Massacre...": I wanted to put "Blair Witch", but the period was wrong. The moral's still the same... if you're a bunch of kids lost in the woods, don't go into the creepy house!

Donner & Blitzen: Two of Santa's Reindeer.

Realm Tea: Not really a ref, but just think you should know that realm tea tastes like Chai Latte. Mmmm!

"Tasty!": A very random Emperor's New Groove ref. It's Kuzco's reaction to the potion that turns him into a Llama. Put it in because of my firmly held belief that Eric and Kuzco are, in fact, the same person.

There Was A Princess Long Ago (This song that Janapurna sings is an old playground song about Sleeping Beauty. It's very repetitive, but quite pretty.)

"If music be the food of love..." 12th Night, Shakespeare.

"Because I thought I must be going mad." Another random one. This time from Hitchhiker's guide (radio version). I think Ford says it.

Funky Town: Don't know if this was out in 1983, but I like it so I stuck it in!

Mixed Blessings

Julie Klien: Aah! A joke from my new adventures! We know little about Julie Klien, but Eric had a crush on her when he was younger (slipped her the tongue in a game of kiss chase aged 10, for which she beat him quite soundly).

"It's Flash Gordon..." my friend Laurel came up with this joke to insult someone at work. But Hank really does look like Flash Gordon.

Lightsabre Fight: I'd just seen Ep. III. Nuff said. Like the reasoning re Han Solo.

Hold Your Horses

Weathergirls quote: a, because that line was perfect. b, because I always had that Colin Firth/Hugh Grant fight from Bridget Jones in mind while writing the fight.

"a woman's bottom": One Blackadder II quote, with a doff of m'cap to Sealgirl!

"Up Yours, Legolas!" Hank also gets compared to that other great flaxen haired, bow totin', tights wearin' Pretty Boy quite often!

Baby Got Back (Because I like big butts, and I cannot lie...)

Understanding Uni: More of a Mickey take of all those "What's that? Little Timmy's down the well?" Flipper/Lassie/Skippy programmes than D&D... still, I really hate animal companions that everyone can understand!

Bobby's Life Story: A Goonies Ref.

"Who'd clear up the mess?": one of my favourite Red Dwarf lines.

"That's so Gay!": I love the logic of young boys! This was a common insult thrown at many of my friends for their early interests in the opposite sex.


End file.
